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  #1  
Old 2007-01-24, 21:15
Anubis's Avatar
Anubis Anubis is offline
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A Piece of the Rhyme

Achtung, first son, baby blue
There's a world and a bullet
With their eyes on you
All the churches of theatrics
Take a breath and a leap
Grab the mothers and the fathers
And off together they creep

Spit shined, cut throat, masters of libido
Take hold of the moment
Launch their plans and torpedoes
Take the trocars and the scalpels
With a wink and a gun
Then shoot up your novacaine
And begin the operation

Begin your third world wars
With a word and a scuffle
Take the hens from all the roosters
See how many feathers you ruffle

A crease of the mind
A piece of the rhyme
Kneel at the alter
Breathe the blessings of time

Rip off, showdown, right to left
Kiss the lords of science
At their shiny desks
They're all speaking of salvation
Through their microscopes
And if you catch them on a Friday
Hey, there's always hope

Shot up, let down, crimson red
Rocket off to Venus
On your dignity's bed
Register your insurrection
At the helm of the beast
And then begin the slaughter
Without a care in the least

Cut your muscle from tendon
With a blade and a smile
Distract yourself with bloodshed
And nevermind the bile

Increasing the mind
With the death of a rhyme
Kneel at the alter
To confess all your crimes
Eat under the table
In the alleys and stables
Realise your faults
And then die, if you're able

Spit the fire from the hearth
And begin you're rebirth
Await your condemnation
And then pray that you're first
Witness, blinded by the light
Gone in seconds from the right

Thoughts?
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  #2  
Old 2007-01-24, 21:34
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Ludd Ludd is offline
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That was surprisingly good. (Surprising in that there would actually be a decent poem on this forum, I mean.)

I only read it once and I haven't quite figured out what this about, but that's a good thing.

I don't have much in the way of criticism for this piece. It looks like you've already done some rewrites on it. A few of the rhymes seemed a bit too obvious here and there, but overall you did a good job. Good work.
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  #3  
Old 2007-01-25, 08:44
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JOAMdude JOAMdude is offline
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is it a criticism of plastic surgery?
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  #4  
Old 2007-01-25, 09:21
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"Take the hens from all the roosters
See how many feathers you ruffle"
and
"Rip off, showdown, right to left
Kiss the lords of science
At their shiny desks
They're all speaking of salvation
Through their microscopes
And if you catch them on a Friday
Hey, there's always hope"

Loved those parts!

Really fast paced, cool read. I liked this a lot.
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  #5  
Old 2007-01-25, 15:09
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Anubis Anubis is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JOAMdude
is it a criticism of plastic surgery?


Nah.
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Stand your ground behind the times
And refuse to follow fashion
Write your poetry in anger
And then sing it with a passion
Painted faces in a circus
Images they brings to mind
When I read my Penny Dreadful
Filled with pictures of your kind
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