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  #1  
Old 2006-12-27, 16:12
7-string warlord's Avatar
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wierd poetry thing ( revisited)

Made the poem into a song, the long part is gonna be some weird intro thing.

I am completely enshrouded in this mist
A single light bulb grants me sight
A small amount of warmth as well
the crust that has grown at the base of the bulb is flaking
A beam of light hits my hand
I can see it now
the little cuts and nicks
all the filth caked on from crawling through moonlit forests
I feel a little cold, if only the crust on the light could all come off
but then again I'm afraid of what I'd see.

The grass around me is dying now,
Iíve ripped the skin from my arms
Thick black veins twist inside my flesh
Infernal itching wonít subdue

The area around my eyes is engorged with sickly pus,
How am I to see this face?
My broken bones serve me no use,
Unless I wish for pain

The tiny flakes of fetid life,
Covered in the putrid soot.
Finally envelope me,
Cutting off my need to breathe

Vision to me is now granted
At the cost of my mortal soul
I wish my mind wasnít helpless
To this deep ingrained control.

This human heart is warped to fit
The monster Iíve become.
The sudden numbing of extremities
Dies as Iím reborn.
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Last edited by 7-string warlord : 2006-12-30 at 03:21. Reason: Added on to it.
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  #2  
Old 2006-12-28, 14:59
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Very cool. Taking something mundane and looking deeper into it is using "keen observation through sensory perseption." True, but I had to quote an English teacher I had. I thought the imagery could also be used on a "lightbulb" in the sky idea, too.
I really liked this piece.
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  #3  
Old 2006-12-28, 18:16
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This is pretty good. Very well written. Nice descriptions.
I wish more people who posted in this forum would see the difference between descriptive writing and babbling incoherently about your feelings. (Not that I'm perfect or anything.)
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  #4  
Old 2006-12-30, 03:22
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I added a lot more, so what do you all think? It's not my usual style, but I like this a hell of a lot more!
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Man oh man I'm in the mood for some meat right about now, so much so that I don't even care how implicitly gay this sentence is.

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  #5  
Old 2006-12-30, 09:27
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Well, it sort of brought it back into a worn path with the other verses added. I don't think the addition is bad necessarily, but you've gone from an obtuse angle to classic ideas. I think it would be better if the two were done as two seperate pieces either totally divided or done as two pieces of a concept.

The flow on the addition was good and had some cool imagery, but it just doesn't have the sparkle and uniqueness as the first part.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #6  
Old 2006-12-30, 15:07
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Quote:
Well, it sort of brought it back into a worn path with the other verses added. I don't think the addition is bad necessarily, but you've gone from an obtuse angle to classic ideas. I think it would be better if the two were done as two seperate pieces either totally divided or done as two pieces of a concept.


I agree completely. The first version was better.
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  #7  
Old 2006-12-30, 19:59
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I'm also chiming in with agreement, except I'd use, instead of 'classic,' the word 'unimaginative.'

A decent rule of thumb, which is of course wrong in any number of cases, is that, if you're trying to add something to a poem or set of lyrics, the worst way to do so when you've already got something that works and feels whole is to add length to it. And, sadly, a lot of people have a tendency to ruin something that just came out by forcing on additions with the thinking mind.
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  #8  
Old 2006-12-31, 14:46
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yeah, I think i'll make 2 seperate songs out of this stuff. One being the first part only....that'd work out fine
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