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  #1  
Old 2006-10-27, 13:58
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Carl Carl is offline
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Fragments Of Our Lost God

Some Shit i just wrote .....not so good but wants some respons



Let me taste the blood of god
The taste of power …something different
Hold back to long……
This worlds million wounds is reflected at you
The apocalypse …..you know its here
We have been hold back to long, Heroes of the end
Foundations of what’s left have all been buried
Insanity is to obey the laws of Christ
Its all a fragment of our lost god…..
This world is forsaken forever lost

Structure had shading, now gods will is fading
Face what has to be done ….all is gone
No one will see the light as we were told
This melting god is growing stronger and stronger

Its all a fragment of our lost god…..
This world is forsaken forever lost

Its time that you all face it
No one will live under the sun we are all dead
Shredded by the light

We cant get rid of our hate no one can…….
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Old 2006-10-29, 10:01
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  #3  
Old 2006-11-01, 21:51
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Ludd Ludd is offline
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Here's a reply. (Haven't been on here in a week. Sorry if it took awhile to get a response.)

Your idea here isn't bad, but I think you just aren't executing as well as you could.

Sorry to rehash something I wrote regarding someone else's work, but maybe my comments here: http://metaltabs.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33353 could be applied (somewhat) to this as well. Particularly, look at what I told him about being more blatant when it comes to physical descriptions. Writing about thoughts and feelings is what it's all about, but if you don't ground your writing and write about things in the concrete world, people will not pay attention.

You have a number of grammatical errors in this, which, aren't that big of a deal, but this is something you should work on in the future. Using the word TO instead of TOO might not seem like a major problem, but it comes across as being the work of an amateur when you make those kinds of mistakes. (Which maybe you are, and there's nothing wrong with that.) Try using Microsoft Word (or whatever word processing program you have) and take advantage of the grammar and spell check. After you have written something use the check options and see what it is you made a mistake on. This will make it much easier on you in the future. I use it myself.

Also, your second stanza suddenly has a rhyme scheme, when the rest of the poem does not. This doesn't work. If you are going to rhyme that's fine, (or don't) but you have to choose one or the other. If you just throw in a rhyme in the middle of the poem it throws the reader off.

You could benefit, greatly, from reading what you write out loud. By reading out loud to yourself, or better yet - to others, you will have a much better idea of how your work will appear to the person who reads it.
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Old 2006-11-01, 23:36
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Cannibal Carcass Cannibal Carcass is offline
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I like it! It would be good for DM.
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