Breathing to feel a breeze
The only close hug I can give
To myself in this spiritless room
There haunting lights rise
To the roof with my thoughts and feelings
Whispering to me from the corners
Of each wall high like a tower
The darkness smashing in the windows
The broken glass penetrates the air
As if it were going to stab me
Yet its light attracts me, Id rather not


My innocence broken in
Into a hollow house of sadness
I don’t want to make it home
Home is where I run from
Inside my own unknown territory
And they keep digging me deeper
Beneath this eternal damnation
The sanity is still I promise you
It’s beside a jar of my mind
Outside my head so I can give
My body to someone better
Better than a human soul


He eats me like a cherry so red
The blood of my heart, almost dry
How I bleed for the touch of love
And he seems so loving in a way...
But there’s nothing left for me
They’ve stolen all of the love
And rocked it to sleep
So I’m left with myself and him
Rocking ourselves to sleep
It’s good to be alone with him

My eyes starting to close
Feeding off of spirits love
They keep trying to take
Him away from me
Why are people so selfish?
I am comfortable in serenity
Yet I feel like my soul is finally gone
So tired and so light...

Ignorance is my healing wound
I don’t want to live
Because they finally found a way
Finally found a way to kill me

My eyes start to fade
He takes over until death
And Ill never remember
The spirits who tried to save me
From the enemy in disguise
And I long for them
Behind the eyes of him
The god of the blood moon -No Heart

I actually liked this poem..

Dude, are you agreeing with yourself?

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perhaps...any comments or "helping comments"

Yes, I'll try to help.

I think you can write, but you are lacking focus. Mostly, you are saying things that might make sense to you, but you aren't getting them across as well as you could. I'd suggest you write more literally.
For example, I've seen more poems like this than I can count. I don't mean by you, I mean by people (mostly young people) in general. I mean large poems with lines like 'Inside my own unknown territory'. And if you want an honest reaction, when I read more than three lines like that I completely zone out.
Know why?
Because it is boring. It's not that what you are saying is boring, necessarily; it's how you say it. Don't take that as an insult, because I really don't mean it that way.
Let me take it line by line for a bit:

"Breathing to feel a breeze"
(Good line, unique and has meaning.)

"The only close hug I can give
To myself in this spiritless room"
(Ok, what hug? The breath you pulled in? Sure, that works, but what is a spiritless room? You are inviting the reader to imagine a room, but what is a spiritless room? Those words don't describe anything and therefore don't conjure up an image in the mind. Imagery is the most important thing you can do here. You need colors, textures, sounds, etc. in order to bring people into this world you are creating. You are just throwing words around, which might mean something to you, but what is it you are trying to get people to see, feel, hear?)

"There haunting lights rise
To the roof with my thoughts and feelings"
(Haunting lights, works fine, but what do these lights mean? You are using the literal description of a room, so why not tell us how these lights are moving. Is this a dark room? Are these lights moving through the slats of blinds or curtains or something? What is the roof? (Or do you mean the ceiling?) Just saying 'my thoughts and feelings are rising', doesn't tell us anything. What are these thoughts and feelings? What would they look like if they were something physical in this room of yours?)

"Whispering to me from the corners"
(What is whispering?)

"Of each wall high like a tower"
(I think I know what you are trying to say here, but as I suggested to you in another poem, don't use 'like a...'. If you use it in your first draft, that's fine, but when you go back and read it again, just cut that word out and you will see an improvement. Suggestions: 'each tower-high wall', or, 'Over the high tower walls', etc. I don't know, something along those lines.)

"The darkness smashing in the windows
The broken glass penetrates the air"
(Good imagery here. You are being very literal in these two lines. What is the darkness though? A fist? A hammer? The broken glass is penetrating the air, but how is it doing it? Is it like a bullet? Is it penetrating it like a cock? This is good, but again, be descriptive.
The whole point I'm trying to make to you here is, after your first draft, go line by line and see how you can make people understand it better. Make them feel what you feel when you imagine these things.)

"As if it were going to stab me
Yet its light attracts me, Id rather not"
(Ok, so here is where you are going with the penetrating glass. It is going to stab you but it's light attracts you. I don't understand the 'I'd rather not'. Why not take a moment to focus on what attracts you to it?)

So that's my reading of the first stanza.
But I still have no clue what this whole story is about. That's the problem a lot of people have, they don't understand that a poem or lyric is actually a story. People tend to think that they are just a bunch of 'feelings' thrown out on paper in a 'poetic' way and that there you go - you've got a poem.
That isn't it at all.
That's the bullshit they try to teach you in high school because it's easy.
A poem (or lyric) is a story and it has to have a beginning middle and an end. It has to go somewhere.
It has to have a central character (you, someone else, or maybe even something unreal like a 'soul') and that character has to have changed by the end of the poem. If you can do that, follow that simple formula, you will be successful.

I hope this helps. Feel free to email me if you want.

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WOW that was a GREAT critique if I wrote this poem I would have said the bigest thank you!. I thought the poem was god!

I don't want them to ban you...

He had like 2 1/2 days left on his suspension, too. It's a tragedy. But I'm not banning until I'm sure, and the IP is different so far.

Other people, however, will likely ban him immediately.

You call this Blood Moon, yet it has NOTHING to do with Rob Van Dam? No, no, that's bullshit, and someone has to pay. Since No Heart is already suspended, I'm going to need a scapegoat, and as a result, Ho Neart gets a lifetime vacation from this forum.

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I'm glad I wasted a half hour trying to help the wall-fucker. Why did he get banned anyway?

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If you get suspended and create a new account in order to post during the suspension, you get banned.

No Heart isnt banned...

good poem. and good critique by you, Ludd.

Hey sorr about last time, thanks for the crit, Im actually writing land of the lost ground 2, and working on blood moon 4

edit: IM A METAL HEAD