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  #1  
Old 2007-02-20, 17:22
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Scapegoat

I've been having a writer's block as far as music goes for the past month. Today's the first day I've actually written out new material, just for the hell of it. Some of it sucks, but I kind of like the rest. 3 songs. This is the first one, which is boarder lining "I like it" and "hate it."

Athlete's Foot Note; this is not a star wars piece, so ya don't have to cringe. Even though I use the words "Dark side," it's not a reference. Just to clear that up.


Verse 1:

Apathetic vermin
No urge to make a difference
Living dead decaying human
Crawling through a petty existence

One chance for redemption
Your inner darkness
Need for your revolution
You'll have my forgiveness

Chorus:

I'm your salvation
From your stagnation
Embrace your hatred
Loathe me or live in death

I'll be your martyr
I'll feed your anger
All I need is your lives
Your dark side gives me power

Bridge:

Hate me
Empower me
Loathe me
Strengthen me

Verse 2:

Assemble your brotherhood
Those who share your interest
Plot your attack you should
You live because it is me you detest

Your past life was worse than death
Out of the coffin your hate did for you
Rally your troops and strike me down
Your lust for my blood exists, it's true that...

Chorus:

I'm your salvation
From your stagnation
Embrace your hatred
Loathe me or live in death

I'll be your martyr
I'll feed your anger
All I need is your lives
Your dark side gives me power

Interlude:

I butchered your serenity
Denied the Sodomites matrimony
Chained the Negroes to a life of slavery
Gave the Hebrews power and authority

Conquered and slaughtered the Indians
Stole the land from the Mexicans
Occupied and saved the Arabians
Hesitant to stop the Koreans

(Guitar Solo)

Breakdown;

Give me immortality
Make me your deity
I create tragedy
Live by hating me

Chorus:

I'm your salvation
From your stagnation
Embrace your hatred
Loathe me or live in death

I'll be your martyr
I'll feed your anger
All I need is your lives
Your dark side gives me power

Outro;

(Hate me!) Your dark side gives me power!
(Empower me!) Your dark side gives me power!
(Loathe me!) Your dark side gives me power!
(Strengthen me!) Your dark side gives me power!


Edit-Revised
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amadeus
It's really sad, all those people who don't understand why we shouldn't act like our enemies. The real victory is not only killing and imprisoning the terrorists, but also letting civilized manners override the lust for revenge, once the battle is over.

Last edited by CompelledToLacerate : 2007-04-28 at 01:46.
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  #2  
Old 2007-02-20, 19:05
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Verse 2:

Assemble your brotherhood
Those who share your interest
Plot your attack you should -- the "you should" reads awkward as heck. Should you have a comma to show a break there or take those words out?
You live because it is me you detest

Your past life was worse than death
Out of the coffin your hate did for you --"Did for you" was awkward.
Rally your troops and strike me down
Your lust for my blood exists, it's true that...

Maybe --
Your past life was worse than death
Out of the coffin your hate
Rallied your troops and struck me down
Your lust for my blood still exists, it's true that...

I don't think that changes what you're saying except changing the tense. I think I brought it back up to where you had it again.

This part just doesn't cut it.
Incinerate the Jews
Reject the fags
Hang the coons
Oppress the reds

You've got a lot of other references to racial stuff and I think you can get something equivalent to the next 4 lines that's not so offensive. The rest of the song isn't bad as far as the elements even though it's not my thing, but that strikes below a mark to a hate song.
Just my personal opinion. I did think it was a good read even though it kinda got to me.
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #3  
Old 2007-02-20, 19:48
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Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Verse 2:

Assemble your brotherhood
Those who share your interest
Plot your attack you should -- the "you should" reads awkward as heck. Should you have a comma to show a break there or take those words out?
You live because it is me you detest

Your past life was worse than death
Out of the coffin your hate did for you --"Did for you" was awkward.
Rally your troops and strike me down
Your lust for my blood exists, it's true that...

Maybe --
Your past life was worse than death
Out of the coffin your hate
Rallied your troops and struck me down
Your lust for my blood still exists, it's true that...

I don't think that changes what you're saying except changing the tense. I think I brought it back up to where you had it again.

This part just doesn't cut it.
Incinerate the Jews
Reject the fags
Hang the coons
Oppress the reds

You've got a lot of other references to racial stuff and I think you can get something equivalent to the next 4 lines that's not so offensive. The rest of the song isn't bad as far as the elements even though it's not my thing, but that strikes below a mark to a hate song.
Just my personal opinion. I did think it was a good read even though it kinda got to me.

With "Out of your coffin your hate did for you" and "Plot your attack you should" I just switched the subject and the.... well, whatever the other part of a scentence is called. But looking over it now, yeah, I should get rid of those parts and just leave the rest.

And the offensive part isn't meant as a hate-on or anything. More-so, a provocation; not towards the reader necessarily, but towards the people I'm refering to.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amadeus
It's really sad, all those people who don't understand why we shouldn't act like our enemies. The real victory is not only killing and imprisoning the terrorists, but also letting civilized manners override the lust for revenge, once the battle is over.
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  #4  
Old 2007-02-20, 20:53
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Oh okay. Thanks for the explanations.
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #5  
Old 2007-02-21, 00:59
TitaniumSaviour TitaniumSaviour is offline
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Predicate.

Sentence = subject + predicate
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  #6  
Old 2007-02-21, 01:19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TitaniumSaviour
Predicate.

Sentence = subject + predicate

THANK YOU! I knew it started with a P. I always forget what it's called.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amadeus
It's really sad, all those people who don't understand why we shouldn't act like our enemies. The real victory is not only killing and imprisoning the terrorists, but also letting civilized manners override the lust for revenge, once the battle is over.
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  #7  
Old 2007-02-21, 10:17
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don't say fuck in lyrics, totally cheesy
don't say your hate empowers me, totally gay
the omnipotent should already been made that, without using stupid clihces
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are you telling us that you have 4 boobs...2 small and 2 bigs
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  #8  
Old 2007-02-21, 10:20
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are you telling us that you have 4 boobs...2 small and 2 bigs
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Old 2007-02-21, 11:28
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Up until it said guitar solo i was slightly impressed. Or at least amused and interested in the lyrics. After that you A. Went on way way too long, and B. Lyrics were awful compared to the beginning.

And like what was said before cussing sounds awful and nu-metal.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darko
...Its very annoying to keep having to hear some socially-disabled teen come on these boards talking about all the drugs he's started doing so that he can maybe grasp onto some kind of positive response so he feels better about himself and what he's doing.
About requiem. Aint it the truth...
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  #10  
Old 2007-02-22, 16:13
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(Hate me) Your dark side gives me power!
(Empower me) Your dark side gives me power!
(Loathe me) Your dark side gives me power!
(Strengthen me) Your dark side gives me power!

I changed it. Just took the one bridge and had it repeat here. And looking at the section before the breakdown, it's purpose made sense, but now it sounds gay.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amadeus
It's really sad, all those people who don't understand why we shouldn't act like our enemies. The real victory is not only killing and imprisoning the terrorists, but also letting civilized manners override the lust for revenge, once the battle is over.
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  #11  
Old 2007-02-22, 19:23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
(Hate me) Your dark side gives me power!
(Empower me) Your dark side gives me power!
(Loathe me) Your dark side gives me power!
(Strengthen me) Your dark side gives me power!

I changed it. Just took the one bridge and had it repeat here. And looking at the section before the breakdown, it's purpose made sense, but now it sounds gay.


Thats a much better change.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darko
...Its very annoying to keep having to hear some socially-disabled teen come on these boards talking about all the drugs he's started doing so that he can maybe grasp onto some kind of positive response so he feels better about himself and what he's doing.
About requiem. Aint it the truth...
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  #12  
Old 2007-04-24, 18:05
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CompelledToLacerate CompelledToLacerate is offline
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I finished putting music to it. Dunno if you'll all like it. Sounds like of metalcore-ish, but I love it and lyrics fit really well.

IF you wanna hear it, refer to the RTT thread. I just uploaded it there. It's a guitar pro 5 file, though, so sorry if you don't have it.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amadeus
It's really sad, all those people who don't understand why we shouldn't act like our enemies. The real victory is not only killing and imprisoning the terrorists, but also letting civilized manners override the lust for revenge, once the battle is over.
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  #13  
Old 2007-04-25, 09:30
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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Nope, I can't listen then. If you put it somewhere else let me know via pm and I'll listen to it.

You did some more revision to it and it really polished it up a lot.
I don't know if this was part of the orignal or not, but the flow was right on. That would even make a good ending with an abrupt stop.

Give me immortality
Make me your deity
I create tragedy
Live by hating me
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #14  
Old 2007-04-28, 01:46
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Here's a midi of it.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amadeus
It's really sad, all those people who don't understand why we shouldn't act like our enemies. The real victory is not only killing and imprisoning the terrorists, but also letting civilized manners override the lust for revenge, once the battle is over.
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  #15  
Old 2007-04-28, 12:13
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That rocks. Even though it sounds like the old casio chord organ I used to have only with drums, it rocks. Thanks for posting that link.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #16  
Old 2007-04-28, 20:19
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CompelledToLacerate CompelledToLacerate is offline
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If I send it to WAV, then to a ZIP folder, I might be able to post it. You just have to be able to play WAV files. I'm sure you can, though. Did you use WMP?

Thw WAV would sound beter because it'd have the RSE on instead of the MIDI, which sounds way better.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amadeus
It's really sad, all those people who don't understand why we shouldn't act like our enemies. The real victory is not only killing and imprisoning the terrorists, but also letting civilized manners override the lust for revenge, once the battle is over.
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  #17  
Old 2007-04-29, 14:48
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Nah, that's cool. It sounded fine the way it was. Not as well as if it was a live band playing, but I got a good idea of what it sounded like and I liked what I heard. Definitely a keeper.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #18  
Old 2007-05-26, 02:07
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CompelledToLacerate CompelledToLacerate is offline
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DETH TOLL!!!

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amadeus
It's really sad, all those people who don't understand why we shouldn't act like our enemies. The real victory is not only killing and imprisoning the terrorists, but also letting civilized manners override the lust for revenge, once the battle is over.
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