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  #1  
Old 2002-07-07, 18:35
Xythen's Avatar
Xythen Xythen is offline
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Question Opinions on some lyrics please.

I write quite a lot of poetry/lyrics and end up discarding most of it. I'd like to know what you all feel about this one. Any comments/criticisms are will be appreciated.


Sadistic Creator

I am the artist, my tools
Disease and War.
Your face a canvas on which I'll paint
This portrait of pain, a mask of agony.
Wear this mask for me, I'm the last you'll see of life.

Sadistic creator; pain, disease and war.
Sadistic creator; hate, fear and emotional scars.

You are the subject, mine to contort.
This life I've given you, a double-edged sword.
I have manifested all that exists
But you've abused this gift, tell me why you deserve it.

Sadistic creator; pain, disease and war.
Sadistic creator; hate, fear, everlasting scars.

The joy of life you've shattered and raped,
Emptiness is all I'll leave in my wake.
Human-kind has made within itself a void,
Like a flawed piece of art it must be destroyed.

Sadistic creator; pain, disease and war.
Sadistic creator shall create no more...



I think it might sound a bit too clichéd in parts, like the final lines of the first verse. What do you think??
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  #2  
Old 2002-07-08, 12:34
krametallica krametallica is offline
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its fuckign great

Whatever if there's cliche my friend...
Poetry, think abotu it, just make it as far away from the actual point ... decorate it, its great how it is and thats good a lot of descriptions, personofications and similes and stuff GIVE IT CLICHE MOTHA FUCKA
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  #3  
Old 2002-07-08, 13:04
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memnoch memnoch is offline
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I don't agree too much with the "GO CLICHE" modo.....but it's a good piece of art nonetheless. Good job....uh, new friend.
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All hope abandon, ye who enter here

Against the concert of the Immortals he cannot stand alone.
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  #4  
Old 2002-07-08, 19:35
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wannabe wannabe is offline
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Yes. Thank you. It's good to see a change from the talentless "hack em up" lyrics. Only thing they do in there is make the words rhyme. It's pathetic. Your's are good. Those damn "i'll watch you fucking burn...that's right...FUCK" lyrics are the ones that are cliche man. Good work.
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  #5  
Old 2002-07-09, 01:44
Smleatyaelr Smleatyaelr is offline
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just like everyone says in most of the replys
I like it.
poetry is an art
who cares if it is clicheic (is that a word?) or not
if you like it, since you wrote it..., then who really cares
but i like it
and as most say in these
thank god for not kill kill kill die burn eat my fist ill rip your heart out shit
you can write good songs... that sounds like it could be a great song
get some kick ass music to it and damn - good shit
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  #6  
Old 2002-07-11, 17:43
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Thanks for all your comments
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  #7  
Old 2002-08-07, 13:53
Thumper Thumper is offline
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Overall it's really good - the whole thing has a very "morbid angel" feel, or at least to me - I can imagine lyrics like that being sung on "Covenant". It's well written, but I'm not sure the first stanza is as good as the rest - it doesn't seem to fit so easily into a rhythm, although it'd probably work in an actual song.

I'm being picky, and I can be, so that's good, cuz this is ace.
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  #8  
Old 2002-08-15, 21:35
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nice! but..at times its blatent, other times its subliminal, not saying its bad...but make up your mind! because its like reading a book with the page numbers all over the place you need to keep back tracking which can stop the flow while reading, but with music...i can hear that alot along the lines of something like Morbid Angel - To The Victor The Spoils.
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  #9  
Old 2002-09-04, 19:12
thresholdsvoice thresholdsvoice is offline
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I RECKON IT SOUND LIKE SLAYER! ARAYA STYLE
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