standing in the pink mist
the liquid like spirits moving
running there moist on my body
touching every place too far
I see her sitting on a bed
her body lusting for mine
our souls broiling with fire
hinting each step closer

she weres a white skirt
underneath satin squeezes
every bursting sexual thought
through the softness of her skin
her see through silk shirt
grasps her tendencies
to what im about to do
to release the thoughts

she unzips her skirt
and pulls her thong down
pulling off her shirt
and unchambers her bra
sending the key
to my mind

(me)
I walk towards her
and grasp her left breast
pushing her to the bed
I grab her shoulders
and enter her sex
each thrust her moan
intensifies the pleasure
making me thrust harder

(me)
as i turn her around
and pull her hips to me
i bang my sex into hers
my fingers running up her body
then to her breasts
i give a quick squeeze
and slide them down slowly
and rub my hands on her butt

(girl)
As I feel him enter me hardly
I moan with pleasure
his thrusts punching me
against the softness of the bed
his rough hands on my breasts
squeezing the tips of my nipples
and i burst out another moan
making him go faster against me

(me)
I pick her up and push her chest against the wall
and i press hard against her butt
entering her and exiting her over and over
my arms reach underneath hers
and squeeze her breasts
and hold onto them while thrusting

(girl)
He fucks me hard like a wall
I feel a short of breath
I start to feel his finger
slide into my butt while in my sex
then my breath begins to shorten
pacing faster then hard
and I let on last word escape my lips
"ohh!"

(me)
she reached her orgasm
while im still thrusting
my sex feels even wetter
with hot thick liquid
and I cant hold any longer
as I start to go as fast as possible
I feel my orgasm relase
the sexual thoughts inside my head...-No Heart

Erm.............. that's really weird. And some of it needs to be written properly.

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If I had to critique this in one word it would be HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA


But I agree with Robbie if you want a serious answer. Other than that line making me laugh like hell, I guess it was a somewhat accurate description, but you should find a better choice of words or leave a bit more to the imagination if you don't want the humor involved.
"While fingers explored other places" sounds a hell of a lot more poetic than "Yep, two fists right up the pooper!"

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You forgot the "sweet mystery of life, at last I've found hiiiimmmmm!"

Yeah, this was dumb. I rarely say it, but it's not romantic. It's not a turn-on. It's just description. "she reached her orgasm" --if that's not teeny-bopper stuff I don't know what is. It sure sizzles my somethingorother--not! Add some metaphor. Make it intriguing. Do something with it. Toss it in your bottom drawer or line your birdcage! I KNOW from reading your other stuff you can do much better than this so do it!


Wally, thanks for my first major laugh of the day. Your line was poetic! So much imagery! Too much imagery in fact! lol

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'Hardly' does not mean 'in a hard manner.' And nobody, ever, has fucked somebody like a wall without having some serious problems. Which is about the state of this poem.

Well some people have actually have had sex with walls, I saw some vid of a japanese guy get with a wall once.

It was weird.

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I didn't say that people don't fuck walls, I said that the people who fuck walls are fucked up. And somebody who feels she's being fucked like a wall, or by a wall, is also fucked up.

I should note that, while a wall is 'hard,' English usage doesn't allow that simile, assuming it was intended at all. That sentence more or less has to mean 'He fucks me hard in the manner he would fuck a wall' or 'He fucks me hard in the manner a wall would fuck me,' and not 'He fucks me hard like a wall is hard.' The former two are weird, but the last one has no sense.

Interesting with the guy/girl parts. It would be a nice bit for Donny and Marie Osmond.

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Hahahahaha nice one.

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That was strange.

Quite graphic. A bit like Lymphatic Phlegm.

I agree with LB, all statement and no explanation or evaluation.

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Yeah you definately need to use more imaginative language.

Also check through the way it's written and change it so it makes sense.

"i bang my sex into hers" this line cracks me up for some reason.

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Robbie: just before you posted, i added that line to my sig. and when i read it in your post for the 3rd time... i fucking cracked up pretty bad.

No heart: like the others say, this is weird. im sure its not meant to be funny, but holy hell, IT IS.

"I start to feel his finger
slide into my butt while in my sex"

dude... *just laughs, and ends with that*

I'm gunna go with L,B' on this one. Sucks.

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I start to feel his finger
slide into my butt

HOLY FUCKING LOL

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I do have to say though, this is one of the funniest threads I've read in a while...between the poem itself and PST actually deciphering all of the wall-fuckery to make it correct in terms of language use, I'd say this was well worth it.

*claps*

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BAAHAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

that parts awesome!!! haha

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and the crazy thing is, its funnier than the ones actually trying to be funny in this poetry forum. haha. hell yeah it was worth it!

how does one get fucked by a wall?
and how do smelly fingers come into the equation?

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Hahahaha, this poem is awesome.

This if the funniest thing i have read here in a while.

I don't usually post about the stuff i read here but this, this was just too funny to not post about.

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Maybe you could add a stanza about how the wall feels.

(wall)
Their sex up against my plastered surface
smearing bodily fluids against my white finish

Something like that.

(wall)
Their bodies rub against my hard self
The friction arouses me and bring me close to climax
Quickly i unleash a shot of concrete particles

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WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS???!!!!!!!!

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The greatest poem ever written.

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whoever wrote this never learned the proper names for men and women's oragns!!! theyre all refered to as "sex"


edit

hAHAHA THE AUTHOR

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It's the archaic name for sexual organs.

I think it's time to offer thoughful criticism. This is boring. You make sex sound BORING. You went too far into the details, this poem has no point except to say "I got laid in a very slightly kinky way". I actually noticed that you detract from the meaning of your other lyrics a lot by going too far into descriptions of actions.

You're saying what's happening and now what people actually feel emotionally and barely go into the physical stuff. There is a painful inconsistency in language, breasts and butt don't go together, but breasts and sex do. Buttocks, behind, whatever. Boobs, vagina, cunt, fuckbox, tits, jesus h fuck man there are better words to describe things like that.

This entire poem is pointless. Almost everyone has sex, or had it. This isn't very exciting. It's not hot, or romantic, or gory. It's accidentally funny.

PS. OOH IS NOT A WORD!

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HAHAHAHA

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Morbidly hilarious. Brilliant shit you got going on there, keep it up

Read it stoned,

edit: Seriously!
He fucks me hard like a wall
I feel a short of breath
I start to feel his finger
slide into my butt while in my sex
then my breath begins to shorten
pacing faster then hard
and I let on last word escape my lips
"ohh!"
Oh, who hasn't been there?

I just read this at work and I'm having the hardest time not cracking up out loud and sounding like a lunatic. (I'm pretending to cough.)

Anway, what that hell is this???

I start to feel his finger
slide into my butt while in my sex

HAHAHAAHAHAA!

There's nothing more romantic or erotic than the word BUTT.

AHHHAHAHAA....


You don't know what you've done dude!! Yesterday me and some friends were driving around and my friend saw this hot chick and yelled out "I want to bang my sex into yours!".. He e-mailed you through myspace too lmfao "I was bored".. Niiiice....

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I was about to have a wank, and then I re-read his poem. It totally killed my buzz.

I told my girlfriend I wanted to bang my sex into hers. She just laughed. There was no sex banging. No wall banging either.

All right, we've had our fun.