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  #1  
Old 2006-03-29, 19:41
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Never submitted anything on here nor do I know how I really feel about doing so, but I'd like some feedback on this before I turn it in for a grade.

Prelude

You can tell by the flowers
That wilt along their path
And the festering wounds in
Their eyes where worms stare back
Singing seduction
To young Swallows:

“Oh, hope for a Rose
That hasn’t yet been plucked
From one that is still innocent
One which I to end bad luck!”

For they haven’t yet shook hands with the
Fact that they’re lost in a sullen sky.
A sky with no branch which upon to land -
A sky absent of a celestial hand
To give rest to burning wings.

And they too, like us, will have had
A painful Prelude
And they too, like us, will
Wail like the unborn coming into flesh.

Because once twice in the Prelude was I
A Swallow wayworn in an empty sky
(Frightened by the ashfall of a dying sun
And the silence with its growing hum)
Flying through a hundred preludes and a hundred births
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Last edited by Darko : 2006-03-30 at 16:43.
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  #2  
Old 2006-03-30, 05:21
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that aint too bad
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  #3  
Old 2006-03-30, 08:08
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The last line of the quote in the second part was awkward to me, but maybe it's the way I'm reading it. I thought the flow of thoughts was good.
You hit on a lot of items that I'm fond of to use in my own pieces so I was relating it to my own metaphor. I quite liked this. I liked the style it was written in and the 4th part really kicked some butt to me. Loved that.
Let us know what kind of grade you get on it. I'm curious.
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Old 2006-03-30, 11:20
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Quite good. Only one complaint, the line..."One which I too end bad luck." The word "I" seems very out of place.
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Old 2006-03-30, 14:20
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Someone else already commented on the second part/fourth line, so I'll leave it.
On a technical note, I would have cut the number of lines in the first part into half; line 1-2 makes one line and so forth. Gives it a, in my oppinion, sharper edge and works better with the actual content. Plus that I would take the time to consider if "Fact" in the third verse shouldn't be moved up to the end of the line above. It might take some rearranging to keep the construction of the verse - which is fine - but as it is now it seems a bit forced. Like the structure got the better over the content.

Hm, you are refering to the metaphor of the swallow that flies through the room of light, but outside is only darkness, right?
That was my first interpretation, and I must say that this exploration of the power in that image was fairly appealing. The thoughts are well linked together, and it leaves me with a feeling that someone has spent a bit of time thinking about this, producing something that is well worth contemplating.
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Old 2006-03-30, 16:46
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Thanks guys. The awkward "I"s are intentional.

Amadeus: I almost did that with the first stanza, but decided not to. Alot of my stuff is free verse and I keep certain parts chunked together for whatever reasons. Also, where are you getting this metaphor of a "room of light"?
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Old 2006-03-31, 04:57
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The bird, man, the bird. You do know about the metaphore I'm talking about, right? Otherwise I am tempted to say that I would be even more impressed.
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  #8  
Old 2006-03-31, 16:23
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I'm confused. Are you talking about a metaphor outside of my poem or in it? Either way I don't know what you're talking about. Now whats this metaphor?
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Old 2006-03-31, 17:07
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He's talking about something external to your poem. I'm not sure 'metaphor' is the proper word, but, not knowing the reference, I can't say. In any case, aside from the fact that you have a swallow flying, I don't see the relevance, any more than I would if he had said you were referring to the bit from Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail with laden and unladen swallows of the African and European varieties.
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  #10  
Old 2006-03-31, 18:01
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Yeah.

Submitted it today. I'm on break so it'll be a week or two.
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Last edited by Darko : 2006-03-31 at 18:04.
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