MetalTabs.com - your source for Metal tabs
Home Forum What's New Submit a Tab FAQ Links Contact Us Link to Us


Go Back   MetalTabs.com Forum > MetalTabs.com > Chit Chat
User Name
Password


Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Rating: Thread Rating: 2 votes, 5.00 average.
  #1  
Old 2006-03-31, 11:42
moe_blunts's Avatar
moe_blunts moe_blunts is offline
wigger/redneck/drunkard
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: austin tx
Posts: 2,234
FAVORTIE JOKES

this probably has been done before, but we could all use a chuckle or two. also, the jokes can be racsist, just as long as the punch line isnt "BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL NIGGERS" or anything to that extent.

whats the difference between a jew and a conoe?

conoes can tip


here is my favorite one:

donald rumsfeld is briefing the presdient. he tells them that there was a problem down in south america and 3 brazilian soldiers were killed in the conflict. immediatley, bush puts his head in his hands and looks all upset.

this really moves his cabinet. after a few minutes rumsfeld asks him if he is okay.

bush responds by saying "how many is a brazillion???"
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 2006-03-31, 12:37
Bia's Avatar
Bia Bia is offline
Muffin Ass
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Sugar Britches
Posts: 2,340
Boy walks in on his mom taking a bath and says, "Mommy....what is that?"
Covering herself she says, "It's my little black sponge...now run along!"

Later that afternoon the boy brings a friend in the house and says, "Mommy....show Billy your little black sponge."
Embarrassed...she says, "I lost it...now go play."

That night...Mommy was at work and called home to check on things...her son answered and excitedly yelled, "Mommy...Mommy! I found your little black sponge."

Puzzled....mom said, "Ok...where is it wise guy?"

He replied, "It's upstairs...the maid is washing daddys face with it"
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 2006-03-31, 12:45
obrien20's Avatar
obrien20 obrien20 is offline
Post-whore
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Brazil
Posts: 1,055
Send a message via AIM to obrien20
Quote:
Originally Posted by moe_blunts
donald rumsfeld is briefing the presdient. he tells them that there was a problem down in south america and 3 brazilian soldiers were killed in the conflict. immediatley, bush puts his head in his hands and looks all upset.

this really moves his cabinet. after a few minutes rumsfeld asks him if he is okay.

bush responds by saying "how many is a brazillion???"
I can't stop laughing.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 2006-03-31, 12:46
Transient's Avatar
Transient Transient is offline
HES BAAACK
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: slaying all the giants
Posts: 9,964
the best part of any joke is the delivery. always. a great comedian can make a shit joke sound funny or a good joke sound bad if he sucks

this is lost when jokes are in text
__________________
www.myspace.com/crownedmusic
http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j136/transient_shirts/Banner.gif
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 2006-03-31, 12:47
obrien20's Avatar
obrien20 obrien20 is offline
Post-whore
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Brazil
Posts: 1,055
Send a message via AIM to obrien20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Transient
the best part of any joke is the delivery. always. a great comedian can make a shit joke sound funny or a good joke sound bad if he sucks

this is lost when jokes are in text
Word.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 2006-03-31, 12:47
moe_blunts's Avatar
moe_blunts moe_blunts is offline
wigger/redneck/drunkard
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: austin tx
Posts: 2,234
Quote:
Originally Posted by Transient
the best part of any joke is the delivery. always. a great comedian can make a shit joke sound funny or a good joke sound bad if he sucks

this is lost when jokes are in text


1st smart thing ive ever heard you say/type........just playing.

COULDNT AGREE MORE
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 2006-03-31, 12:51
newHELLonEARTH's Avatar
newHELLonEARTH newHELLonEARTH is offline
slack as fuck
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Goddamn maritimes..
Posts: 3,395
Send a message via MSN to newHELLonEARTH
My favorite are the Mitch Hedberg ones, blissfully lame in my opinion.

I was in a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me right because she said, "how would you like your eggs?" I tried to answer anyway: "Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, that's gonna take a while. I don't have time. I guess scrambled."
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Soulinsane
Bottle of Vodka, $25

Fucking on the couch while posting on Metaltabs and getting caught by your mother....

Priceless!
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 2006-03-31, 12:56
moe_blunts's Avatar
moe_blunts moe_blunts is offline
wigger/redneck/drunkard
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: austin tx
Posts: 2,234
^RIP man

anyways,

this penguin has something wrong with his car, so he takes it to teh walrus mechanic. the mechanic tells him it'll be about an hour, so the penguin decides to go get his favorite food, ice cream. At the ice cream shop, he orders 2 huge sundaes with lots of whip cream and sprinkles and just decks teh bitches out. he returns in an hour and the mecahnic tells him

"looks like you just blew a seal"
the penguin responds

"actually, i just had a sundae"

Last edited by moe_blunts : 2006-03-31 at 12:59.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 2006-03-31, 14:27
PST 88 PST 88 is offline
Forum Daemon
Forum Leader
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Posts: 4,980
Some jokes work better in text, and any joke can work in text. The things that require good delivery aren't usually jokes, strictly speaking. Very few comedians tell jokes.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 2006-03-31, 15:03
CompelledToLacerate's Avatar
CompelledToLacerate CompelledToLacerate is offline
FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: St. Louis
Posts: 3,003
I may fuck this one up.

A southern trucker is driving down a road. while he is driving, he sees a black man trying to hitchhike. The trucker pulls to the side, and runs the black man over. As he drives some more, he finds another black man on the road. The trucker does the same thing.

Later, the trucker finds a white priest trying to get a ride. The trucker kindly picks him up.

As the two of them cruised down the road, the trucker spotted another black man, but hesitated to run him over because of the priest right next to him. As he approached the black man, the priest opened his door and hit the black man with the door. The trucker looked at the priest witha suprised look on his face.

And the priest said, "Whoo, that was close. You almost missed one."
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 2006-03-31, 15:05
johnmansley's Avatar
johnmansley johnmansley is offline
Schrodinger's Cat
Forum Leader
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Liverpool, England
Posts: 5,970
Send a message via MSN to johnmansley
Q: Why did the mathematician call his dog Cauchy?

A: Because he leaves a residue at every pole.

Boom, boom.
__________________
Album of the day:

Deadhead Roses - Zastruga
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 2006-03-31, 15:10
Zertonshfits's Avatar
Zertonshfits Zertonshfits is offline
Post-whore
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Down the street from nHoE
Posts: 1,716
Meh.

I like dead baby jokes and the Chuck Norris ones.

Whats funner than an Xbox and a Live conection?
A baby and a pellet gun.

Shit like that, but funnier.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by IlikeRiffseveryone
im 50 percent irish and 100 percent pain. (SHAKE DOWN!!!!)


NECROTIC
Canadian Brutal Death (So you know it's good)

Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 2006-03-31, 15:11
newHELLonEARTH's Avatar
newHELLonEARTH newHELLonEARTH is offline
slack as fuck
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Goddamn maritimes..
Posts: 3,395
Send a message via MSN to newHELLonEARTH
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zertonshfits
... and the Chuck Norris ones.

Oh, those aren't jokes.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Soulinsane
Bottle of Vodka, $25

Fucking on the couch while posting on Metaltabs and getting caught by your mother....

Priceless!
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 2006-03-31, 15:12
MetalThrashingMad's Avatar
MetalThrashingMad MetalThrashingMad is offline
Death to all but metal!
Forum Leader
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Highway to the Danger Zone
Posts: 6,026
What does anal sex and spinach have in common....?


If it is forced upon you whan you are a child, you probably will not like it as you grow older.

Ouch.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amadeus
"Ja mein little poodle, I will hang you by your nipples in my garage,
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 2006-03-31, 15:13
Requiem Requiem is offline
Post-whore
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: terra firma
Posts: 6,940
yes they are all true
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 2006-03-31, 15:55
moe_blunts's Avatar
moe_blunts moe_blunts is offline
wigger/redneck/drunkard
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: austin tx
Posts: 2,234
Quote:
Originally Posted by PST 88
Some jokes work better in text, and any joke can work in text. The things that require good delivery aren't usually jokes, strictly speaking. Very few comedians tell jokes.


try telling a joke monotone, and then tell the same joke with umph. it's not the joke, its how you tell it. and comedians do tell jokes, just long ones, normally anecdotes or just make silly observations.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 2006-03-31, 16:11
johnmansley's Avatar
johnmansley johnmansley is offline
Schrodinger's Cat
Forum Leader
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Liverpool, England
Posts: 5,970
Send a message via MSN to johnmansley
The best comedians - to this critic at least - don't tell jokes. If I wanted to experience an endles supply of "Did you hear about the..." or "There was an Englishman, Iriashman and Scotsman..." I'd buy The Bumper book of Pub Jokes Vol. 7. Anecdotes and observations are not jokes otherwise they would be labelled as such.

Q. What does a mathematician do when he's constipated?

A. He works it out with a pencil.
__________________
Album of the day:

Deadhead Roses - Zastruga
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 2006-03-31, 16:15
Amadeus's Avatar
Amadeus Amadeus is offline
Quantum.
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 2,142
A woman has gotten interested in ice fishing, so her husband decides to buy her a full set of equipment for aforesaid activity.
A nice winter day dawns and she decide it's time to try it out, but before she leaves her husband says "It's very cold today, so I think you should take this with you" and hands her a bottle of liqour. She is a bit doubtful since she isn't very used to alcohol, but she thanks him and leaves.
After only a short while she notice that is very cold today, so she takes a little sip from the bottle. But soon thereafter she feels too cold again, so she decides to drain the bottle, and immeadietly feels a lot better.
A while later she gets out on the ice and starts drilling a hole. But then she hears a voice, a deep, resonant voice, saying:
"Under this ice, you will find no fish"
She starts and looks around, but can't see anyone. Strange... but she moves over a little bit and tries again, but lo! The disembodied voice once more tell her:
"Under this ice, you will find no fish"
What can this be? But if at first you don't succed... she moves a bit further and give it another try, and sure as anything, the voice once again proclaims:
"Under this ice, you will find no fish"
She stands up and stare straight ahead, and with a voice trembling with awe and newfound clarity asks:
"Is this God Father Himself that is talking to me?"
And indeed, the voice answers her:
"No, this is the janitor at the ice stadium"
__________________
Listening to Slipknot and cutting yourself is ridiculous
Listening to Cannibal Corpse and cutting trees with a chainsaw, now that's metal

"He preferred the hard truth over his dearest illusion. That, is the heart of science."
- Carl Sagan

"Imagination is more important than intelligence" - Einstein
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 2006-03-31, 16:55
PST 88 PST 88 is offline
Forum Daemon
Forum Leader
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Posts: 4,980
A joke has a certain structure; Mansley's been giving us some in the most stripped down version of that structure. That's what makes it possible for jokes to work in print, because we can follow the progression with a knowing eye and chuckle when we see the punchline. It's also what makes it clear that very few stand-up comedians tell jokes, and even then mess self-consciously with the structure in doing so. Very little of what's funny is to be found in what are jokes in a strict sense.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 2006-03-31, 17:44
moe_blunts's Avatar
moe_blunts moe_blunts is offline
wigger/redneck/drunkard
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: austin tx
Posts: 2,234
as much as i enjoy the whole philosophy and mind set of being a comedian, id rather just hear jokes....
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 00:37.


========

Contact Us | Privacy Policy | Disclaimer
Copyright © 2001-2009 MetalTabs.com. All Rights Reserved.
Powered by vBulletin
Copyright ©2000 - 2009, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.