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  #1  
Old 2006-02-26, 15:59
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Berserkr Berserkr is offline
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My songs

Me and my bandmates play for I think 1 year now and i will post some lyrics in here that we make. I hope you will comment them... This is my first written song it is called:

Raided Shore

Sails appear on the rough seas
They are a humanlike disease
Come to take our rest of peace
Soon this will be a raided shore!

They are looking at the unknown land
With shield and sword in hand
Ready to set this village an end
Soon this will be a raided shore!

Now they are fighting against our men
Because they want to rape our women
And to kill our children
Soon this will be a raided shore!

Bridge:
Heartless warriors is what they are
Slaughter men like beasts
Come from a land in the north so far
To raid and take the leave

These men look for treasures and gold
And kill everyone on their way
Everywhere corpses with eyes so cold
Now is our time to decay

The Vikings will sail to another shore
To take everything with the blade
To our village will happen even more
Death is our fate!

What they want is what they get
All the people are dead
It is just a huge bloodshed
Soon this will be a raided shore!

They sail away on the rough seas
They are a humanlike disease
Came to take our rest of peace
Now this is a raided shore!
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Last edited by Berserkr : 2006-02-27 at 13:43.
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  #2  
Old 2006-02-27, 08:28
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Apart from the entire them it was an alright effort. Only alright though. I would never have normally even speculated thinking about looking at this, but seeing as this was a first post I gave it my time. Hated the theme but the imagery was good for me and it served it's purpose.
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  #3  
Old 2006-02-27, 10:11
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I'd either change the rape and murder of children lines in the 3rd verse or throw it out completely. It drops the piece down because it's just too typical and blunt in thought. It's off balance to the imagery in the rest of the piece. (Speaking of "piece" do you mean "peace" in the first verse or "piece?")

The only other line I think I'd change is in the 4th verse. The line "Now is our time to decay" could have a little more imagery in it.

But I didn't think it was too bad for a first. I liked the repetition in it and it had a good flow.
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
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  #4  
Old 2006-02-27, 13:49
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Thx for the critics.

It of course means peace and I edited the post allready.

I dont like the third verse as well. I think i should write a new one.

When you say you didnt like the theme you mean that there is allway a "soon this will be a raided shore!" ?

Ok I am 15 now and it is my first lyric but i will post others...

Revenge!

You lie down to my feet
With a split up head
I was last for you to meet
Now you are dead

You were begging for your life
Knowing itís too late
Then I told you I raped your wife
And your eyes burned in hate

Revenge!
It has the sweetest taste
And releases a bloody trace
Revenge!
What will you do?
If it comes over you?
Revenge!

You were coming to my home
13 years ago
My family stood alone
There was nothing I could do

You slaughtered them in the night
Rushed in the house so wild
For you it was an easy fight
Your victimís wife and child

Revenge!
It has the sweetest taste
And releases a bloody trace
Revenge!
What will you do?
If it comes over you?
Revenge!

I searched for you all over the sea
And found you at last
Once most hated enemy
Now the past

Solo

Revenge!
It has the sweetest taste
And releases a bloody trace
Revenge!
What will you do?
If it comes over you?
Revenge!

And now release its bloody trace!



What do you think of this one?
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  #5  
Old 2006-02-28, 02:22
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I mean the viking theme is lame to me.
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  #6  
Old 2006-02-28, 02:23
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And to the other one you poted LOL its funny.
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  #7  
Old 2006-02-28, 05:54
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well like infinity i didn't really like the first song, i'm just not a fan of viking metal, except wintersun...and the second song wasn''t too bad, it could have been better but it's good for a 15 year old
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  #8  
Old 2006-02-28, 07:53
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You've definitely got good form to your writing for a young age. Stuff with rape or virgins in it just doesn't appeal to me muc because it seems overdone whether it is or not. I guess it sounds like the school boy trying to shock. I think that not coming right out and saying "rape" would let the reader use their imagination as to what had happened. "Then I told you want became of your wife" or "Then I told you of your wife's demise" --something like that, to me gives a little mystery and still keeps the morbidity.
I really liked that you went on to tell the story of why the present scene was happening. That was pretty cool.
Do keep writing and keep your ideas broad so you don't get bored. I haven't read or heard that much viking metal so it's newer to me. If you through in a piece like this once in awhile that's not strictly that I think you'll have a better and bigger audience.
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #9  
Old 2006-02-28, 08:09
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jackson guitarist
well like infinity i didn't really like the first song, i'm just not a fan of viking metal, except wintersun...and the second song wasn''t too bad, it could have been better but it's good for a 15 year old


Wintersun isn't viking metal.

I like those. Probably because I'm a fan of viking metal. They sound like Lemuria's lyrics.
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  #10  
Old 2006-02-28, 09:38
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Thx for the fast critics!

They reallay helped me. I will post new songs in new threads...
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  #11  
Old 2006-03-01, 06:57
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Theoldman
Wintersun isn't viking metal.

I like those. Probably because I'm a fan of viking metal. They sound like Lemuria's lyrics.


well the song beyond the dark sun sounds alot like viking metal
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