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  #1  
Old 2006-02-12, 01:34
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i havent named it yet

on the wings of a lone crow
blow the whispers of my longing
unbeknownst to her, my love,
i mean every word of it
the truth behind the message,
hidden by a friendly smile,
kills me with every breath
because it means so little in return
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  #2  
Old 2006-02-12, 10:09
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Rather haunting imagery in time for Valentine's Day. Sometimes people can't read between the lines. I liked it.
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
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  #3  
Old 2006-02-12, 18:49
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Not bad at all. I like it.

I was wondering the line saying.

"hidden by a friendly smile,"

You think it might be better with "hidden beneath a friendly smile"? Just somethin that jumped out as me. (not sure if its fitting your mental flow though)
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  #4  
Old 2006-02-13, 00:06
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maybe ill make it behind
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  #5  
Old 2006-02-13, 01:54
PST 88 PST 88 is offline
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'By' is best. 'Behind' would be repetitive in a non-constructive way, and 'beneath' just isn't the right word. 'By' is.

Don't title it. Then when anthologies of Moonraven poetry come out, it'll just be known as 'on the wings of a lone crow.' And if they don't come out, no one will ever find out that it doesn't have a title. Win-win.

You might want to wait until somebody else comments before noting that they don't 'read between the lines.'
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  #6  
Old 2006-02-13, 06:18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PST 88
'
Don't title it. Then when anthologies of Moonraven poetry come out, it'll just be known as 'on the wings of a lone crow.' And if they don't come out, no one will ever find out that it doesn't have a title. Win-win.



what poet did that? was it emily dickinson who never titled her poems? we were just talking about this in class the other day.

as for the actul work- a crow is kind of cliched. you should try employing objects that are less common. or say if you really want it to be a crow, don't name it as such. try describing it instead? just a suggestion
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Old 2006-02-13, 07:50
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It gave me some vivid imagery. Wow.
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  #8  
Old 2006-02-13, 09:33
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PST-- I was making a comment about the thought in the piece. Things being said that were either being ignored or not being interpretted the way they were meant to be such as when a friend might tell a friend "I love you" and mean it not in a comrade way, but a romantic way.
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #9  
Old 2006-02-13, 12:24
PST 88 PST 88 is offline
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What you just said has very little to do with this piece, which seems to be more about the author 'reading between the lines' and finding that, instead of the meaning he'd hoped to find, there's just nothing. What's being misunderstood is similarly problematized by 'reading between the lines; in this case the friend is reading some irony or non-seriousness into something that is quite genuinely heartfelt. Different problem then 'some people can't read between the lines;' everything would be better if nobody tried to, in this case. Still, I withdraw my earlier criticism.
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