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  #1  
Old 2005-06-28, 14:33
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"The Lurkers"

Okay, I was cleaning down in my basement. It looks like a horror movie set down there in a few places. There's a lot of reality in this and just a touch of imagination. Thanks for reading.


" The Lurkers "

The dankness filters into my head
And creeps deep into my brain.
Frenzied maniacal sounds from depths within
Voice disgust and contempt for the intruders.
I reach out my hand claiming the solution
That is the only aid to bring inner peace,
But a cloud above falls on my head,
Not as rain, but as a sheet of flimsy film,
Gray and sticky, rolling but refusing
To release me from it's grasp.

Last edited by L,B'XXX : 2005-06-29 at 16:15.
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  #2  
Old 2005-06-28, 14:34
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I shudder and squirm at it's touch
And wonder why I ever chose this path
Into the unknown.
What other monsters lurk in the dark corners?
A dark shroud hangs just out of reach
Looking like a nightmarishish, long mummified cousin of a vampire.
It's out of direct reach and seems to have more weight
Than I'd like it to.
Is it my imagination or did I see a wing?
I brush against it with my demon remover
And it falls to the floor.
I dare not look.
I don't want to know its' reality.
Was it once alive?
And what is that crawling up my leg?

BJH
6/28/2005
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!

Last edited by L,B'XXX : 2005-06-29 at 16:17.
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  #3  
Old 2005-06-28, 17:31
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That is me crawling up your leg.

Nice piece mom. Could be tightened up a bit in a few places. The one that stuck out the most was "flimsy film". I didn't like the two "f" sounds together.
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  #4  
Old 2005-06-28, 19:25
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Splattt!! That'll learn ya to stay off mom's leg!

Well, I started out with just film in that line. I'm referring to those chiffonlike webs that are like a tent. Any ideas on what I might say there to get that idea across?
Where do you think it needs tightened up? I haven't really done much revision with this.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #5  
Old 2005-06-29, 15:04
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How a sheet of meager film?

Some other lines that I would modify...

"And creeps through my skull to my brain"
-How about "And creeps deep into my brain"? Seems a little more to the point to me.

"Maniacal sounds from the depths of me"
-"Maniacal sounds from within"

"Looking like a long mummified cousin of a vampire."
-Drop the vampire bit. Vampires suck. How about..."Looking like a mummfied nightmare"?
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  #6  
Old 2005-06-29, 16:08
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"Meager" isn't as descriptive as I'd look for.

I like the next one about the brain.

I'm not sure about the next one. I want it to sound overly dramatic so I'll think on that one. That's a good choice though.

The last one is definitely staying. That "thing" looked like those pictures of vampires hanging upsidedown with wings folded only this had a massive web around it. That was one of the eeriest things I've ever seen. lol I might through the word Nightmarish in there just for some added color though. I like that idea.

Thanks for all the ideas! That's cool.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #7  
Old 2005-06-29, 19:46
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Too bad you're out of unicorn peckers.
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  #8  
Old 2005-06-29, 21:03
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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You said you were, too. Hmm, the Medieval faire is going on. I might be able to find some there.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #9  
Old 2005-06-29, 21:15
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I suppose you could...but they wouldn't be tr00 unicorn peckers. You'd have to go to the great frostbit northern woods deep in the heartland of Norway to get the authentic ones.
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