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2005-05-12, 03:01
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Emory, Texas
Posts: 1,280
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A Nameless First
Untitled
By: Wesley Smith
This song is about the way I fell after all the stupid crap I mess up and do. It is my first, all mean/nice comments welcome.
I'm ruled by the fear, by the hate, by the pain in my heart.
I'm afraid of this world and i wish I could restart.
I need an old way to live not a new way to die,
no longer will remorse be in my life
I'm not you.
Who are you?
I'm not you.
i'll kill you.
I've never known what love was to be on my darkened path.
This rage pent in my mind leads to more wrath.
I need an old way to live not a new way to die,
no longer will remorse be in my life.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Man oh man I'm in the mood for some meat right about now, so much so that I don't even care how implicitly gay this sentence is.
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2005-05-12, 03:04
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New Blood
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: bremerton wa
Posts: 12
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I LIKE IT, ITS COOL
BUT JUST REALLY ISN'T LONG ENOUGH FOR ME
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2005-05-12, 03:08
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Emory, Texas
Posts: 1,280
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i'm sure my band can help lengthen it, and i'll add a long solo or somethin'. Thanks for the comment
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Man oh man I'm in the mood for some meat right about now, so much so that I don't even care how implicitly gay this sentence is.
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2005-05-12, 16:25
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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It wasn't bad til the "I'll kill you." That dropped it down to teen level to me. Using killing in anything takes skill to keep it from sounding plain angsty.
I found these 2 lines awkward. Maybe it was because you tried to get as much in with minimal words? --
"I've never known what love was to be on my darkened path.
This rage pent in my mind leads to more wrath."
Maybe --
Love has never been on my darkened path.
This rage trapped in my mind (only) leads to more wrath.
Just some thoughts.
You could use it the way it is and repeat parts and add solos. Many songs are sparsely written, but put with music and they really pop out.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2005-05-12, 22:38
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 1,136
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by EURYDICE'S SHADOWS
I LIKE IT, ITS COOL
BUT JUST REALLY ISN'T LONG ENOUGH FOR ME
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Turn your caps lock off, cunt.
As for the poem/lyric it did sound teen agnsty. You could fix it up a little a bit though, and lengthen it. It could work then.
__________________
Worker bees can leave,
Even drones can fly away.
The queen is their slave.
www.maddox.xmission.com
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2005-05-15, 11:23
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Brisbane, Australia.
Posts: 1,023
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OMG I JUST DISSKOVRD CAPDLICK
I liked the an old way to live and not a new way to die line quite a lot. Otherwise this doesn't strike me as anything more than melodrama, but that line is cool. It reminds me of a short prose piece a friend of mine wrote, it was very fluffy and for that it won second prize in a random competition, but it had a similar line.
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I <3 12 year olds.
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