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  #1  
Old 2005-05-11, 22:01
7-string warlord's Avatar
7-string warlord 7-string warlord is offline
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A Nameless First

Untitled
By: Wesley Smith

This song is about the way I fell after all the stupid crap I mess up and do. It is my first, all mean/nice comments welcome.

I'm ruled by the fear, by the hate, by the pain in my heart.
I'm afraid of this world and i wish I could restart.
I need an old way to live not a new way to die,
no longer will remorse be in my life

I'm not you.
Who are you?
I'm not you.
i'll kill you.

I've never known what love was to be on my darkened path.
This rage pent in my mind leads to more wrath.
I need an old way to live not a new way to die,
no longer will remorse be in my life.
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  #2  
Old 2005-05-11, 22:04
EURYDICE'S SHADOWS EURYDICE'S SHADOWS is offline
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I LIKE IT, ITS COOL
BUT JUST REALLY ISN'T LONG ENOUGH FOR ME
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  #3  
Old 2005-05-11, 22:08
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i'm sure my band can help lengthen it, and i'll add a long solo or somethin'. Thanks for the comment
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  #4  
Old 2005-05-12, 11:25
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It wasn't bad til the "I'll kill you." That dropped it down to teen level to me. Using killing in anything takes skill to keep it from sounding plain angsty.

I found these 2 lines awkward. Maybe it was because you tried to get as much in with minimal words? --
"I've never known what love was to be on my darkened path.
This rage pent in my mind leads to more wrath."
Maybe --
Love has never been on my darkened path.
This rage trapped in my mind (only) leads to more wrath.
Just some thoughts.

You could use it the way it is and repeat parts and add solos. Many songs are sparsely written, but put with music and they really pop out.
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  #5  
Old 2005-05-12, 17:38
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EURYDICE'S SHADOWS
I LIKE IT, ITS COOL
BUT JUST REALLY ISN'T LONG ENOUGH FOR ME

Turn your caps lock off, cunt.

As for the poem/lyric it did sound teen agnsty. You could fix it up a little a bit though, and lengthen it. It could work then.
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  #6  
Old 2005-05-15, 06:23
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OMG I JUST DISSKOVRD CAPDLICK

I liked the an old way to live and not a new way to die line quite a lot. Otherwise this doesn't strike me as anything more than melodrama, but that line is cool. It reminds me of a short prose piece a friend of mine wrote, it was very fluffy and for that it won second prize in a random competition, but it had a similar line.
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