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  #1  
Old 2005-06-29, 21:09
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"W.E.A.P.O.N."

"W.E.A.P.O.N."
Jacob Fitzlaff
6/29/2005

Water to solidify my tremblings,
A new faith broadcast within.
I'll take this fuel and burn my passion,
Righteous vengence erupts.

Earaches to rapture the silence,
Statues crumble in the public's eye.
Night falls into a stale mate,
Leaving me lost and confused.

Ash to light my journey,
Clouds are stained with skin.
Matyr's tears ignite the sky,
Such a beautiful sight should have never been witnessed.

Podering my will and what has been,
My faith dwindles in the mist.
What drives me on?
Why must I persist?

Overbearing fear consumes me,
Afraid of what my thoughts have shown.
Depths of myself have revealed wickedness,
Such a beautiful power should have never been felt.

New faith corrupted with poison water,
Ash choked down despite resentment.
All outside signals are shut down,
I've grown into a weapon.
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  #2  
Old 2005-06-30, 12:09
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Well, last night it didn't make a whole lot of sense, but I told you I'd read it today. Personally i think I would divide those long lines and just have 2 stanzas with 5 lines just for cosmetic purposes and if it was sung those could be breaks and not necessarily choruses. The imagery was really cool the way you presented it and I understood quite a bit it. The cloud and martyr's lines were very unique sounding used together like that. I think you got a heck of an inspiration from such a simple thing as you did.
It's a keeper.
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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Old 2005-06-30, 12:20
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I kinda agree with the long sentences.

the 3th and last verse are pretty damn good.
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  #4  
Old 2005-06-30, 12:22
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It's not meant to be sung. Though I know how much you love my sexy voice.

Since it's poetry, I don't how see chaging those long lines would help. They are moreso "conclusion" lines than anything else. Kind of a way to look back at what happened to the character.

Thanks for the comments Too bad I missed spaghetti.
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  #5  
Old 2005-06-30, 12:40
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I still have a big plate full left! But that's all.

That's cool about the piece. Interesting getting into the head of another character, but I know you can do that well. I've read a few chapters of your evil shenanigans! lol
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #6  
Old 2005-06-30, 12:46
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Hahaha. Screaming Penis
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  #7  
Old 2005-06-30, 14:28
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When you finish that epic you should post a link to it in your sig or something with the title. It's amusing. I think you're wacked out on goofballs, but that's okay.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #8  
Old 2005-06-30, 15:11
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I would...but I don't know how/where to host it
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  #9  
Old 2005-06-30, 18:25
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I'll see if I can figure that out and let you know.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #10  
Old 2005-07-01, 19:48
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I could post it here chapter at a time.
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