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  #1  
Old 2004-11-13, 23:56
Morbid+Roach's Avatar
Morbid+Roach Morbid+Roach is offline
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Nevermore

This is more of an emotional piece for then anything else. It is a portrait of the fact that even though people say they love you, most of them would abandon the words they spoke and turn against you.

Smiles upon their faces
Laughter upon their tongues
Lies are what they speak
In the end they'd leave you behind

Tears of blood roll down my face
Falling in my mouth and quenching my thirst

Loved ones and those I adore
They fade away
Nothing and noone forevermore
Slowly I feel my very essence slipping away

Tears of blood pour from my eyes
Falling in my mouth and quenching my thirst to hate

Falling into darkness forever
Ripped and beaten and torn apart
Lies are all they tell
In the end they'd leave you behind

Tears of blood pour from my eyes
Falling in my mouth and quenching my thirst

My hate consuming my thoughts
Our lust consuming the light

Tears of blood that fall from my eyes
Are bled for you, you've left me to die
They say they know me, that they care about me
All they speak is lies
They leave me here to die

Smiles upon their faces
Laughter upon their tongues
All their words are lies
I have been left behind

Life once led reduced to dust
Corpse in a cradle, in my youth it bore
Falling through the void from the beginning
With redemption nevermore


Well, what do you guys think?
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  #2  
Old 2004-11-14, 00:16
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Drag the Waters Drag the Waters is offline
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good job.. certainly a lot of emotion in there, but im not sure about that part about, crying the blood and quenching your thirst.. anyways :: thumbs up ::
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  #3  
Old 2004-11-14, 10:17
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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Smiles upon their faces
Laughter upon their tongues
Lies are what they speak
In the end they'd leave you behind

Tears of blood roll down my face
Falling in my mouth and quenching my thirst("Falling" ? Maybe dripping or oozing or even teasing? Falling sounds so lacking in the imagery compared to the rest of the passage.)

Loved ones and those I adore
They fade away
Nothing and noone forevermore
Slowly I feel my very essence slipping away

Tears of blood pour from my eyes
Falling in my mouth and quenching my thirst to hate(Don't like these 2 lines)

Falling into darkness forever
Ripped and beaten and torn apart
Lies are all they tell
In the end they'd leave you behind

Tears of blood pour from my eyes
Falling in my mouth and quenching my thirst

My hate consuming my thoughts
Our lust consuming the light(Ditch these ,too)

Tears of blood that fall from my eyes
Are bled for you, you've left me to die
They say they know me, that they care about me
All they speak is lies
They leave me here to die(Don't jump from "you" to "they" like that in the same verse. Juggle it into another part so the flow of thought smooths out. There's nothing wrong with either set of lines themselves. I just dont' think they make for a good verse together. )

Smiles upon their faces
Laughter upon their tongues
All their words are lies
I have been left behind(Excellent meter and wording!)

Life once led reduced to dust
Corpse in a cradle, in my youth it bore( Iffy on the latter part of this. maybe " ...in my youth borne? I think "it bore" is the problem there.I tried to keep your meter tight.)
Falling through the void from the beginning
With redemption nevermore (Except fot that one part , cool job.)

It really good be borderline angst, but I think in a somber metal flavor it could sound really cool. I know some of it I've actually felt before and it's a very ancient feeling. Even in the Bible it says that brothers will turn against brothers and fathers against sons, etc. I think you had a very good outline here for sure.
Are you gonna record it?
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  #4  
Old 2004-11-14, 18:37
Morbid+Roach's Avatar
Morbid+Roach Morbid+Roach is offline
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My group is going to record three of our songs for a demo very soon. This song has yet to be finished, and will be on the full blown album we plan on releasing somewhere around May 05. If you are interested in hearing the demo though, I could maybe mail one to you.
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