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Old 2004-11-19, 15:47
metalpro metalpro is offline
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crimson eyes

alright, im not a lyric writer or nothin, i dont even sing, but i just made up some shit last night and i wanted to know ur opinions on it.

Cold crimson eyes,
that shattered through the night,
death is in the air,
everytime u lied,
is everytime i died
dont u fucking care,

everybody told u death is horrid,
but they all lied
its not... a curse
its just pain with pleasure
all hail thee mighty death
the one who frees our soul,
please help me one last time,
i just have to go

tragedy and despair surrounds us,
but now its time to rise above,
darkness covers the old(once) blue sky,
bringing together our darkest fears(killing all our precious love)



thats all i have right now, the stuff in parenthesis are the other choices i thought of, and i dont know wut would be better.

so ne constructive criticism would be good, and thanks.
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  #2  
Old 2004-11-19, 16:00
Undying_Hatred's Avatar
Undying_Hatred Undying_Hatred is offline
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I like it but it dosent really flow because you have all these lines and only two that rhyme. I think it would be better if like every other two did or none of them at all but thats my personal opinion. I do the same thing with my work though except I will always use one of the words too much. If I were you I would get rid of old and put once, or remove both and you could add a word like archiac but thats a totally different meaning but I think it fits because the line above it "but now its time to rise above" showing me that obviously you've "been below" or "held back" or whatever has been stopping you from rising above for a while, and when you add a time word like archiac I think you get more sympathy or more of an emotional responce because you've extablished a timeline. If that made any sence at all. Also, I would put the killing line, and then I would add another line somewhere alone the lines of "depleating what once was" because that shows emotional attachment on you and the loved ones part, again gaining the emotional aspect of the readers critisizm.
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Old 2004-11-19, 16:02
metalpro metalpro is offline
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aright thanks.
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