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  #1  
Old 2004-10-25, 18:39
powersofterror's Avatar
powersofterror powersofterror is offline
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Conceptual...

This almost sounds like an epic tale. It would very cool to do one especially one that has to do with Armaggadon. oooOOooo, ideas are flowing through my head...


The Inevitable

And in the final year we will see increasing blood
The evil shall rise once again to reign and flood
Diminishing, lost has he forsaken his own power
Dying, his love wil expire into a grave, the flower

The flower shall die, and this new world will burn
We will bring the trace of evil into existance, in turn
We will break the Earth into pieces and kill him
He cannot win he has died, the light will dim

The light of god is gone, here we stand brisk and tall
On mighty fields of moor and death reigns near fall
Caressing the dead has no one been trusted to foresee
When all this is silent and our hands start to bleed

So take my hand and be with me
Here we stand brisk and tall
We killed and burned proud and free
Together we were slaved to fall
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Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.


This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx
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  #2  
Old 2004-10-25, 18:48
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BeastOfCarrion BeastOfCarrion is offline
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You have a good flowing sort of piece with a nice use of words, there is just one thing that somewhat confuses me:
Dying, his love wil expire into a grave, the flower
what is "the flower" as a part of that line?
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Somebody has decapitated an innocent rabbit, can Abbath solve this crime before more innocent bunnies are hurt?
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  #3  
Old 2004-10-25, 19:25
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powersofterror powersofterror is offline
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A metaphore for the love and god. I liked it because people put boquets of flowers on a person's grave. That's where I got it from. And also I tried to explain in a weird way every new idea. Like the flower is said there and explained in the second stanza, and in the second stanza there is a new idea the light dimming, and that is explained in the third stanza.
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Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.


This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx
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  #4  
Old 2004-10-25, 21:05
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BeastOfCarrion BeastOfCarrion is offline
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maybe it could be "with" rather than, "the"
i get the whole, its opening for the next bit, and it works well on the other one, its just that it seems a little out of place there
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Somebody has decapitated an innocent rabbit, can Abbath solve this crime before more innocent bunnies are hurt?
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  #5  
Old 2004-10-25, 22:16
Credit to Dementia Credit to Dementia is offline
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I thought that part was pretty clear. It's not an uncommon technique and Mr. (T)error here's certainly not the first to employ it. I do have some problems with his phrasing, but that's not one of them.

Diminishing, lost has he forsaken his own power
Dying, his love will expire into a grave, the flower


These two lines I found very messy. I've put the parts I found most problematic in bold. I understand what's being said here, I just find the words used in need of revision. It's messy and somewhat redundant, without achieving the Biblical style of repetition you may, or may not, be striving for to help add that feeling to a prophecy, a lŕ Blake.

We will bring the trace of evil into existance, in turn
We will break the Earth into pieces and kill him
He cannot win he has died, the light will dim


It's unclear what's mean here: in turn is usually used to imply something one does temporally after an action performed by another, but in this case 'we' is the sole subject. The last line, before the comma, is just poorly phrased, though if there's meant to be a comma after 'win' then I withdraw any objection.

I have similar objections to the phrasing in lines two and three of the third stanza. In those it almost feels like words are omitted, but to no purpose; if they're meant to come out dramatic with the deliberately archaistic phrasing, they simply feel stilted.

I'm not sure how much time you spent on this, but it feels like an early draft of something that needs cleaning up. And, judging by the other pieces I've read of yours, you can certainly make it much better.
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  #6  
Old 2004-10-25, 22:40
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Morbid+Roach Morbid+Roach is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by powersofterror
The light of god is gone, here we stand brisk and tall
This line kicks ass. It shows that the writer is begotten to none and isn't scared to face his demise. Cool.

Quick question. When you say 'we' throughout the song, who are you reffering to?
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  #7  
Old 2004-10-25, 23:17
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powersofterror powersofterror is offline
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We the human race. It's about how the human kind will destroy god because "we" want to reign this earth ourselves. And because the future cannot be seen, we as a human race, are inevitably going to die. I got the idea from the quote, "Better to reign in Hell, than serve in Heaven," from the book Paradise Lost. I know this has nothing [really] to do with that, but my idea still came from it.
Yeah, Credit, it was thrown together in about 10 minutes, I just wanted to write it down before I forgot. I think the reason I left out words in the third stanza was to make it flow better by syllable rather than word choice. I felt that these left out would not really change much of the thoughts behind them though so they were therefore optional.

for the "Diminishing" lines I was trying to say something else but couldn't quite get the words right. I wanted something like....

In the final year we will see an increase of blood
The evil shall rise once again to reign and flood
Diminishing away as he loses his own power
Dying away his love will expire, the flower

The flower shall die, and this new world will burn
We will bring the trace of evil into existance, in turn
We will break the Earth into pieces and kill him
He cannot win, he will die, and the light will dim

The light of god is gone, here we stand brisk and tall
On mighty fields of moor and death reigns near fall
Caressing the dead has no one been trusted to foresee
When all this is silent and our hands start to bleed

eeehehehe, but I like these last 2 lines. "Carressing the dead," that is a foreshadow, and the next words are saying that we cannot see into the furture, so we fucked up in killing god. It all boiled down to one person. It starts as a rumor and rumors aren't always trustworthy, so basically that person made it up, and the so called mob, or human race, just went with it without question. Then when the killing is over, it's quiet, and we look at the sin dripping from our hands. I liked the way I worded it only bacause it sounded more syllabicly(is that a word?!) correct. If you have a better way to say it, I welcome your input. Thanks for the crit though, it's been awhile since people usually crtique my stuff.

Oh, I forgot about the "in turn" part. I did that because I wanted the chronological order and I couldn't think of another wording and something to rhym with burn.
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Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.


This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx

Last edited by powersofterror : 2004-10-25 at 23:23.
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