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  #1  
Old 2004-10-13, 19:14
Morbid+Roach's Avatar
Morbid+Roach Morbid+Roach is offline
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Another Song...

Yup, here they are.

Step into my chamber
Step into my hall of death
Soon you'll lay in my wake
Soon you'll take your last breath

Lined along the walls
Suits of armor rest
Hollow chests of metal
With weaponry clenched in their fists

Fool, hear my voice
Cur, choose your weapon, make a choice

Death is what awaits you
The Reaper waits so patiently
My duty is to serve him
My duty is to kill thee

Imprint my image on your mind
Remember me in hell as you burn

I will be your torture
I will be your everlasting pain

Fool, hear my voice
Cur, choose your weapon, make a choice

Upon my throne, where I await
I take no earthly tool
I choose my hands

Feel the cold, of The Grim One chill your back
He works through me
I use my hands

Fool, hear my voice
Cur, choose your weapon, make a choice

Spark of anger, let us begin
Torn apart in a matter of seconds

Blood stains my clothes now
I watch you bleed to death
Your time has come, now take your last breath


Well, what do you guys think?
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  #2  
Old 2004-10-13, 23:45
Credit to Dementia Credit to Dementia is offline
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Posts: 731
I like the various uses of repetition - anaphora, echoes, etc - as well as the occasional use of the ballad stanza, but I'm not such a fan of antiquated language. I don't mind so much in a case like when you have 'thee' in rhyme position, but something about the usage of 'cur' here really bothers me. I suppose it's that in conjunction with the bands you list as being your favorites (aside from Mozart, of course) and which are presumably the influence on your music. I suppose I feel that the usage of 'cur' and the conceit of being a tool of the Grim Reaper wouldn't gel well with the music I'm imagining, but it may just be that I personally dislike them on an aesthetic level. As I look it over, though, I'd recommend the line in which you mention 'the Grim One' be reworked, as it feels awkward, especially if it's occupying the same space as 'where I await.' There are a few other parts I find a bit bumpy, but not too bad; I read bumpier on a daily basis, unfortunately. Aside from the aforementioned concerns, which you're free to ignore if you like, I would say you've done a fine job with your concept. I especially like how the build up to the actual confrontation is so long when the combat itself is finished within a moment; it reminds me of those in the best Westerns and Samurai movies.
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  #3  
Old 2004-10-16, 18:38
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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First off , and don't be insulted or anything, but did you write it or is this like the other one you posted?
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