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  #1  
Old 2004-10-12, 20:36
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powersofterror powersofterror is offline
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Song a friend wrote...

Heheyeahhh, this is the song he wrote for our 1 song, but no verses. He's not good at verses so I'm to do that, anyhoo...
1. What do you think of this so far?
2. A good title....

basically the arrangement is:
intro
verse 1
verse 2
bridge & pre-chorus(no lyric)
chorus
verse 3
verse 4
bridge & pre-chorus(same)
interlude riff
solo
chorus(different words this time)

Chorus-

So you created all the Earth
and that's supposed to prove your worth
You made the killers you made the theives
You filled the world with hate and disease
I know I've never heard your voice
Yet you claim you gave me a choice
To follow you or go to hell
And this is what you call free will?

And I just wrote the second lyrics to the chorus line(...I used parts of old lyrics of mine that seemed to fit...)


Time and fears all muzzled within
So here again the hour of sin
Sign of the cross will help me none
To stop what god has wickedly done
So hear my wrath I am to be
The one you fear I'm proud and free
Flowing in the wind you'll hear my voice
Death and Hell I've made my choice
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Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.


This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx

Last edited by powersofterror : 2004-10-12 at 21:52.
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  #2  
Old 2004-10-12, 21:58
Credit to Dementia Credit to Dementia is offline
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Oooh! Something with a meter! And a rhyme scheme! This must be easier to let out than an orgasmic scream.

Content-wise it's nothing new, but it's well-written and with a definite flow to it. Do you know where he wants to go with it? Or did he just hand you eight lines of iambic hexameter couplets and said 'go write some verses'? Obviously, knowing what you want to focus on would help in the search for a title. The most obvious candidate is 'Free Will,' though that's a thematically much different Rush song, though that can make an interesting note through intertextuality. But that's taking on a whole other project in itself. Describe where you think the verses may go and I can be more helpful. Maybe.

Ah, you edited it? Bastard. Hold on a minute while I edit my response.

Edit:
Quote:
Originally Posted by powersofterror
Time and fears all muzzled within
So here again the hour of sin
Sign of the cross will help me none
To stop what god has wickedly done
So hear my wrath I am to be
The one you fear I'm proud and free
Flowing in the wind you'll hear my voice
Death and Hell I've made my choice


I can't keep this in mind otherwise.

Clearly, the title has to have something to do with free will or choice. I find, no offense intended of course, that this chorus is weaker than the other, so I'd suggest you work on it. Especially since it's not accusatory, but rather triumphant and almost annunciatory and should therefore be to some extent stronger. Right now it feels a bit muddled, if you follow. The ideas are there, but they're overcrowded and not clearly expressed, and that undercuts what should ultimately be the very strong effect having made the decision should make. Good content for a metal song, though.
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Last edited by Credit to Dementia : 2004-10-12 at 22:21.
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  #3  
Old 2004-10-12, 22:59
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powersofterror powersofterror is offline
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My edited chorus...is the problem more with the first 4 lines or the 2nd 4 lines? Should I have stayed with the original write instead of that last minute edit then? Because the first 4 lines is what changed.

I think I get what you meant though, the problem I saw just lied with the lines:

Time and fears all muzzled within
So here again the hour of sin
Sign of the cross will help me none
To stop what god has wickedly done
__________________
Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.


This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx

Last edited by powersofterror : 2004-10-12 at 23:01.
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  #4  
Old 2004-10-12, 23:35
Credit to Dementia Credit to Dementia is offline
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Yes, that's the part I find murky. Actually, to be complete specific, I'd say my biggest problem is with the following:

Sign of the cross will help me none
To stop what god has wickedly done


It feels like the 'cross' is just thrown in for the cheap symbolism without any meaning. You're rejecting the cross; to what purpose? Because it can't help you stop, or correct, what God's done? Is that what would have drawn you to it in the first place? It just seems out of place. I'd say the other couplet needs to be hammered out as well, but that's not really something I can give advice on.
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  #5  
Old 2004-10-13, 01:12
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good song...somehow getting a power metalish feel in it
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  #6  
Old 2004-10-13, 10:17
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hehe, actually it's more like "new" slayerish or something. Kinda rappy but not too much like nu-metal. So it's thrash...riff music...
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Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.


This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx
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  #7  
Old 2004-10-16, 11:55
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It's not too bad . I liked the first part better than the second because it seemed the imagery in the second part wasn't up to the same height of imagery. Those both being choruses, if I'm reading right, may get proportioned by the verses.
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #8  
Old 2004-12-05, 14:23
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To bring up an old thread instead of making a new one.....we finished the song, and I just felt like posting the final lyrics....this is from memory so I can't remember all of it....too bad cause I sing it...

Out of the womb and into your hands
Taught from the start to obey your commands
All of my thoughts already signed away
Nobody asked me I never had a say
I never asked to be given this life
So why should I give up my right to decide
Too young to question to make up my mind
I did what I was told and got into line

So you created all the earth and that's supposed to prove your worth
You made the killers you made the theives you filled the world with hate and disease
I know I've never heard your voice yet you claim you gave me the choice
To follow you or go to hell and this is what you call free will?

So as I grew older they sent me to war
Never to know what I was fighting for
Sent me to take this so called holy land
To kill and to steal from my fellow man
To murder another because of some speech
That came from a man who was far from war's reach
He'll never see the blood never feel the pain
Now I'm dying for it my life was in vein

So you created all the earth and that's supposed to prove your worth
You made the killers you made the theives you filled the world with hate and disease
I know I've never heard your voice yet you claim you gave me the choice
To follow you or go to hell and this is what you call free will?

Struggling and dying for a war I can't win
The death of a stranger was my only sin
All these things I've done I did in your name
(shit I can't remember this line)And I'll carry the blame
Now wounded and dying so far from my home
You give me no comfort I'll die here alone
(can't remember this line)
That is I'm to burn then I'll burn for you

So you created all the earth and that's supposed to prove your worth
You made the killers you made the theives you filled the world with hate and disease
I know I've never heard your voice yet you claim you gave me the choice
To follow you or go to hell and this is what you call free will?

So feel the wrath I am to be
The one you'll fear I'm proud and free
Flowing in the wind you'll hear my voice
Death and Hell I've made my choice
__________________
Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.


This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx
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  #9  
Old 2004-12-05, 21:09
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Pretty damn cool. But 'vein' should be spelled 'vain' . ( dances around because she gets to correct powers') It had a good flow and a good storyline. Sort of reminded me of something Vintersorg might do. I bet it sounds cool hooked up.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #10  
Old 2004-12-06, 01:46
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powersofterror powersofterror is offline
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Ohhhh, shit. Haha, well, at the moment there is no title for it. By the way, it's obviously about the crusades. I was thinking along the lines of "Impossible Mission," "A Golden Solution," or my fav. "Bone of Contention." He wanted something like "burning" something....any suggestions?
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Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.


This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx
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  #11  
Old 2004-12-06, 07:46
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How about compromise? Burning Contention? Bone of Burning sounds like it's about gonorhea.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #12  
Old 2004-12-06, 13:18
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powersofterror powersofterror is offline
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haha
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Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.


This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx
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  #13  
Old 2005-03-15, 16:36
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powersofterror powersofterror is offline
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haha, looking through old threads....


Btw, the song is now officially called "Burnt Beyond Belief."
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Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.


This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx
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  #14  
Old 2005-03-15, 19:45
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i like it, powers

the titles a bit cheesy though.... you got a recording of ths one?
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  #15  
Old 2005-03-16, 00:05
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powersofterror powersofterror is offline
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nope. We need a full band first...the drummer we might get already has a label, so he might hook us up with a studio time....maybe....
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Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.


This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx
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