MetalTabs.com - your source for Metal tabs
Home Forum What's New Submit a Tab FAQ Links Contact Us Link to Us


Go Back   MetalTabs.com Forum > Metal > Poetry Lyrical
User Name
Password


Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Rate Thread
  #1  
Old 2005-07-11, 12:39
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,868
Send a message via ICQ to L,B'XXX Send a message via AIM to L,B'XXX Send a message via Yahoo to L,B'XXX
"untitled" --factual piece

Untitled and based on facts. I'm not sure if I mentioned this recent inciident or not, but this was written about a friend of Denny's.

The day began on a bright note
Someone loved her and she loved them
No indictation that there was something wrong
Or the tragedy to come

She dropped him off at his new job
It seemed like a fresh new start
But she didn't go straight home
That's what she should have done

Instead she went down to the Lake
And shed every stitch of clothes
Ran into the water, fists in the air
Screaming, hoping the water would take her
(spoken) But it just wasn't to be
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 2005-07-11, 12:40
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,868
Send a message via ICQ to L,B'XXX Send a message via AIM to L,B'XXX Send a message via Yahoo to L,B'XXX
(Chorus)
How many years had she been in pain
Why did it end now
Was there something more that troubled her
I doubt we'll ever know

She got into her car and headed south
As the guards came down for the train
Waiting behind the other cars, just a few back
What was she thinking at the time

She pulled out from the line, the other drivers said
And she gunned it doing about 60 or so
Straight behind the engines
The engineers didn't even know

A few miles down the rail they got the word
They stopped the train as soon as they could
But what was left was a mangled mess
In the middle of that afternoon
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 2005-07-11, 12:40
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,868
Send a message via ICQ to L,B'XXX Send a message via AIM to L,B'XXX Send a message via Yahoo to L,B'XXX
Horrified when he heard the news
He just couldn't make sense of it
Trying to find the signs in hindsight
That he might have missed

One day as he was thinking about her
He remembered her saying one thing
She said, "My father is Satan"
But she never told him why

When the friends had all gathered
To memorialize her life
They noticed one person missing
He never came to tell her goodbye

(Chorus)
What had he done to hurt her
She's taken it to her grave
Such a sad state when sorrow happens
So sad that it ended this way
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 2005-07-11, 12:41
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,868
Send a message via ICQ to L,B'XXX Send a message via AIM to L,B'XXX Send a message via Yahoo to L,B'XXX
(Break)
Twenty-five are not too many years
To be alive on this planet we're on
If she'd only reached out just a little more
If she'd been told tomorrow wouldn't be the same

(Chorus)
What had he done to hurt her
She's taken it to her grave
Such a sad state when sorrow happens
So sad that it ended this way

BJH
7/11/2005



Sorry for all the broke-up posts.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 2005-07-11, 12:52
Tulvox's Avatar
Tulvox Tulvox is offline
Post-whore
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 1,136
Send a message via AIM to Tulvox Send a message via MSN to Tulvox
First, untitled is a crappy title. Second, are you saying your songs are better than everyone elses by using 4 posts?



You told me about this the day it happened. It's crazy what young people do. I don't know if she was a close friend of yours or not, but my condolences to you and yours.

Now about the piece in itself. Some lines seem a little forced in their timing, but I can put that aside because your telling a story. Who wasn't at the funeral? Her dad? I'm unsure to that part too.

Overall it was a very heartfelt piece and I hate to pick it apart like this.
__________________
Worker bees can leave,
Even drones can fly away.
The queen is their slave.


www.maddox.xmission.com
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 2005-07-11, 13:11
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,868
Send a message via ICQ to L,B'XXX Send a message via AIM to L,B'XXX Send a message via Yahoo to L,B'XXX
No, I didn't know her, but her b/f thinks of Denny as his dad. His is an ass. I guess hers was, too. Yeah, it was her dad that didn't show up.
It's pretty much a rough outline right now, but I've been wanting to do something about it (<--guess what I just did) so I got down the ideas. I may work on it later or if anyone has any idea that don't stray from what I've said I'm open for suggestions. I'm waiting to verify her name before I start adding a title.

Thanks for all the "constructive" comments, Tullievox.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 2005-07-11, 13:14
Tulvox's Avatar
Tulvox Tulvox is offline
Post-whore
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 1,136
Send a message via AIM to Tulvox Send a message via MSN to Tulvox
Not a problem. When's spaghetti again?
__________________
Worker bees can leave,
Even drones can fly away.
The queen is their slave.


www.maddox.xmission.com
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 2005-07-11, 13:19
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,868
Send a message via ICQ to L,B'XXX Send a message via AIM to L,B'XXX Send a message via Yahoo to L,B'XXX
Actually tonight!!! And no special ingredient.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 2005-07-11, 13:22
Tulvox's Avatar
Tulvox Tulvox is offline
Post-whore
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 1,136
Send a message via AIM to Tulvox Send a message via MSN to Tulvox
You didn't invite me?
__________________
Worker bees can leave,
Even drones can fly away.
The queen is their slave.


www.maddox.xmission.com
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 2005-07-11, 13:45
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,868
Send a message via ICQ to L,B'XXX Send a message via AIM to L,B'XXX Send a message via Yahoo to L,B'XXX
No, I'm still trying to clean off the spag scooper. I'll probably have to get a new one.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 2005-07-11, 14:05
Transient's Avatar
Transient Transient is offline
HES BAAACK
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: slaying all the giants
Posts: 9,964
whats all this spaghetti talk?

anyways it was one of the few pieces ive ever read on here, so that means it caught my attention. i cant hear that as a song or poetry, more of just a story with short sentences!

clarify who didnt show up, because as soon as i read that i was puzzled. apparnetly so was tulvox
__________________
www.myspace.com/crownedmusic
http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j136/transient_shirts/Banner.gif
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 2005-07-11, 18:16
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,868
Send a message via ICQ to L,B'XXX Send a message via AIM to L,B'XXX Send a message via Yahoo to L,B'XXX
The spag thing was in another thread. He's like an elephant and never forgets anything.


I said in the reply to Tul' that it was her dad that didn't show up. It's okay. I don't mind repeating it. It has somewhat of a flow in my head. It's sort of ballad sounding like Arlo Guthrie's more mellow tunes. Probably slow and acoustic. I may touch it up like I said.

May I ask what caught your attention about it? You should stop around more often. There's some good stuff here.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 2005-07-11, 19:05
Transient's Avatar
Transient Transient is offline
HES BAAACK
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: slaying all the giants
Posts: 9,964
well i usually go into the lyric pieces, i just dont stay with them. and back out of the page. honestly, some of them are just boring to me. i wanted to see where this went though

and i know, you told him it was her dad that didnt show up. i was just reiterating that that part in the piece could or could not be clarified
__________________
www.myspace.com/crownedmusic
http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j136/transient_shirts/Banner.gif
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 2005-07-11, 19:26
Tulvox's Avatar
Tulvox Tulvox is offline
Post-whore
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 1,136
Send a message via AIM to Tulvox Send a message via MSN to Tulvox
Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
The spag thing was in another thread. He's like an elephant and never forgets anything.


Elephunks are very well endowed
__________________
Worker bees can leave,
Even drones can fly away.
The queen is their slave.


www.maddox.xmission.com
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 2005-07-11, 19:26
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,868
Send a message via ICQ to L,B'XXX Send a message via AIM to L,B'XXX Send a message via Yahoo to L,B'XXX
Oh okay, I misunderstood that question. I'm sorry. Yeah, maybe that's one of the things I need to change so it doesn't seem like it was her b/f. I'm glad you brought that up. Thanks.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 2005-07-11, 21:13
Transient's Avatar
Transient Transient is offline
HES BAAACK
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: slaying all the giants
Posts: 9,964
absolutely, post a revision?
__________________
www.myspace.com/crownedmusic
http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j136/transient_shirts/Banner.gif
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 23:58.


========

Contact Us | Privacy Policy | Disclaimer
Copyright © 2001-2009 MetalTabs.com. All Rights Reserved.
Powered by vBulletin
Copyright ©2000 - 2009, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.