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  #1  
Old 2004-05-25, 20:57
MoonRaven's Avatar
MoonRaven MoonRaven is offline
Lo, they do call to me...
 
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together forever

kind of a creepy, overly love poem, more like a hopelessly obsessed poem.


darkness falls, the clock strikes twelve
the time has come to leave my cell
under cover of night to escape this hell
to end my past life and yours as well
night after night, you made me cry
day after day, wondering why
year after year, pain in my eyes
minutes seem like months as slowly we die
together, death calls our names
forever, my love turned to shame
together, though you hate me still
if i cant have you eternity will
come closer, darling, dont be afraid
beg if you wish, my mind has been made
one o'clock, the time draws near
scream if you want, the forest will hear
sing of our love, together in tune
pray if you like, youll be there soon
the smell of your fear and taste of your dread
run if you must, though we're already dead
forever...
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  #2  
Old 2004-05-26, 06:50
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Ditch the forever at the end and it's not bad at all. The forever dropped it down about 20 points for me. UNLESS, and I like to try to make things work--
you had it --
run if you must, though forever we're already dead
Then it doesn't have that angsty, teeny-boppper sound at the end.

Type O Negative comes to mind with this piece. It has some good reps as far as time frames go and I thought the storyline was cold sounding but not gross shocking to the point of sounding like any other murder and mayhem song. It has an undead quality that was cool since you never came out and said it was vampirish or ghostish. Myself, I prefer the ghost idea. I could picture this happening over and over again spiritually as they never rested in peace.

Nice one.
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #3  
Old 2004-05-26, 08:09
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MoonRaven MoonRaven is offline
Lo, they do call to me...
 
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ill prolly just drop the forever, i like the idea
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  #4  
Old 2004-05-26, 15:21
dying-oath dying-oath is offline
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NICE! brutal maybe, but very nice. like the ending. good form.
for the end line, try "run if you must, though we're already forever dead."
it gets kind of the long/short paradox going there. i love this. you're awesome dude.
i feel like a little kid in a candy store "I WANT MORE"
i just love your style, it's cool.
the niceness
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Crying from the womb, I知 hating you
Burning from the pain, I chase after you,
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  #5  
Old 2004-05-27, 17:28
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MoonRaven MoonRaven is offline
Lo, they do call to me...
 
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thanks, i feel all like special inside and stuff, not really, i am a metalhead, therefore i have no emotions , but thanks for the feedback
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  #6  
Old 2004-05-28, 02:38
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Isnt this a pop song from the 80s?
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  #7  
Old 2004-05-28, 07:18
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Yeah, I think the Thompson Twins did it .
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #8  
Old 2004-05-28, 07:19
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Somebody beat him with a big stick !!
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #9  
Old 2004-05-28, 12:43
dying-oath dying-oath is offline
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or better yet, make a room with a floor of something like a big belt sander, then suspend him from his armpits to where his feet are almost touching the floor, then slowly lower him over a matter of a week or two, see how loud he screams. of course, the belt sander would have to be very hot so that it cauterizes the wound instantly so that he doesn't bleed to death, but i think that's what we should do to him.
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Crying from the womb, I知 hating you
Burning from the pain, I chase after you,
Seething from the fake, I知 catching you,
Chasing after ghosts, I知 killing you.
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  #10  
Old 2004-05-28, 23:26
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MoonRaven MoonRaven is offline
Lo, they do call to me...
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Undying_Hatred
Isnt this a pop song from the 80s?


umm yeah, hows about a big negative for you Mr. hatred, try again sir, thanks.
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  #11  
Old 2004-05-29, 00:24
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BLS BLS is offline
STUFFED ANIMAL ORGY
 
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not bad, better than dying oaths shit
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  #12  
Old 2004-05-29, 00:27
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Soulinsane Soulinsane is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dying-oath
or better yet, make a room with a floor of something like a big belt sander, then suspend him from his armpits to where his feet are almost touching the floor, then slowly lower him over a matter of a week or two, see how loud he screams. of course, the belt sander would have to be very hot so that it cauterizes the wound instantly so that he doesn't bleed to death, but i think that's what we should do to him.


HaaahAhahahahahaha! Did you date this dude or something d-o? A week or two? I love it! You seem to have really thought this ideal out or it was a bad dream you had, not sure. It's about the most visual thing I have seen you write. You cool, Man!
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  #13  
Old 2004-05-29, 14:57
dying-oath dying-oath is offline
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no, my friend and i were just talking about torture a couple weeks ago at lunch.
another thing we could do is hang him by shark hooks from his armpits and dig out his belly button with a can opener. you know, the kind that has the pointy end so that you get a triangular hole in the top? yeah, that's one of my favorites. you could then hang him by a tree and let him swing in the wind as an example for others who do this. I know, I'm a very, very, very evil person.
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Crying from the womb, I知 hating you
Burning from the pain, I chase after you,
Seething from the fake, I知 catching you,
Chasing after ghosts, I知 killing you.
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  #14  
Old 2004-05-29, 15:18
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Soulinsane Soulinsane is offline
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Ouch!
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  #15  
Old 2004-05-30, 18:47
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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I think I'm getting an idea for another verse in the metaltabs song ....
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #16  
Old 2004-05-31, 16:39
dying-oath dying-oath is offline
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hah. if y'all EVER need any torture ideas, or if you have any good ones.....come to me, i can supply, i also want to write down all of my tortures and alphabatize them so i can find a specific one quickly, if i need to,
more torture...you could go japanese and stick slivers of bamboo the sixe of clarinet reeds under his fingernails, and toenails, then pour boiling water drop by drop down his ear.
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Crying from the womb, I知 hating you
Burning from the pain, I chase after you,
Seething from the fake, I知 catching you,
Chasing after ghosts, I知 killing you.
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  #17  
Old 2004-05-31, 19:22
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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Those are old hat. You've gotta get some more original stuff, but you do have a good start on those. Remind me not to piss ya off.
Hey, maybe I should introduce you to a guy that's supposed to be writing a novel during school. He calls me 'mum'. He said it's supposed to be pretty violent. Maybe an idea swap. I came up with men having their 'monthly' which we both agreed would be very violent. We were talking about Queen Victoria while looking at a bbc site.

The biggest torture I can think of is living with me.
GramBobbi
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #18  
Old 2004-06-01, 00:04
ShredIsNotDead ShredIsNotDead is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dying-oath
or better yet, make a room with a floor of something like a big belt sander, then suspend him from his armpits to where his feet are almost touching the floor, then slowly lower him over a matter of a week or two, see how loud he screams. of course, the belt sander would have to be very hot so that it cauterizes the wound instantly so that he doesn't bleed to death, but i think that's what we should do to him.


you should be on the show kink man
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