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  #1  
Old 2004-05-22, 10:14
dying-oath dying-oath is offline
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An Excerpt From Life

here's the first section of a three part poem i did a while back. the other parts will come when i've had time to type them.


An Excerpt From Life

All is gone, and Iím the only one
As you appear to me in a dream.
Ethereal and untouchable,
Youíre surrounded by the falling ashes of destruction
I hear you say,
ďNow believe... you are nothing.Ē
I fall to my knees,
Sink into the ground, mix with the dead, and speak with the faceless.
Losing myself I search for you,
Knowing you donít exist, youíre a dream.
Falling facedown in the dirt and blood that mixes to form mud,
I wallow in sorrow, and mull over woe.
The skies are darkening, and the light failing as a beam of light falls on my upturned face,
I look back to see you, transparent, nonexistent, like a shadow,
A shade gliding across the bare, fallow earth.
You raise your hand in farewell as I am led off,
Held captive by the chains that lead me into bondage and slavery forever.


this was so much fun to write. i think it was more fun to write it than to read it now. hah.
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Crying from the womb, Iím hating you
Burning from the pain, I chase after you,
Seething from the fake, Iím catching you,
Chasing after ghosts, Iím killing you.
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  #2  
Old 2004-05-22, 16:09
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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Hmm, I'm interested to see where it goes. I'm skeptical about the bondage thing, but we'll see. I'd give it a fair shot.
There was some really neat imagery in it and the line I thought gave an exceptionally nice visual was --
"The skies are darkening, and the light failing as a beam of light falls on my upturned face,"
I can picture that almost literally as I have a photo I took of a very blue-black sky with s few clouds and a jetting ray of light beaming from it. So that really was a live moment.

You go have fun and write some more cuz I want to read some more. Just keep up the flavor and keep it crisp.
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #3  
Old 2004-05-23, 10:56
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Agent-Orange Agent-Orange is offline
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The bondage bit seems out of place, but as L,B'XXX said "we'll see"
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  #4  
Old 2004-05-24, 07:18
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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It sort of seems just thrown in at the end. I reread it and was thinking if you introduced a small reference towards the beginning it wouldn't be so blatant.

All is gone, and Iím the only one
As you appear to me in a dream.
Ethereal and untouchable,
Youíre surrounded by the falling ashes of destruction
Chains rattling as I hear you say,
ďNow believe... you are nothing.Ē
I fall to my knees, ......

What do you think ?
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #5  
Old 2004-05-24, 14:15
dying-oath dying-oath is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Jax FL, previously lived in Naples Italy
Posts: 253
hmmm...good thoughts, i'd never thought about that. part two is coming up!
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Crying from the womb, Iím hating you
Burning from the pain, I chase after you,
Seething from the fake, Iím catching you,
Chasing after ghosts, Iím killing you.
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