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  #1  
Old 2004-04-23, 10:39
Dimmu Is My God Dimmu Is My God is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio, USA
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Drowning

Do I need to be paranoid?
Do I need to be insecure?
Am I a fucked up compulsive bitchy little whore?
Why me? Why I? Why us?

I'm blinded by the darkness that compells in my veins,
it's been cut open with a knife to my wrist.
Surrounding me. Drowinging me. Killing me within.
Inside out. Upside down.
My words, My life, My world,
has been twisted all around by your sick desires.

The fog will never lift.
The sun wont be out tommorow.
Today is never gonna be a new day.
You wont be forgiven.
Know one cares about you.
Figment of imagination.
Why cant you see?
Life isn't happy.
You sadden me.
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  #2  
Old 2004-04-23, 20:43
dying-oath dying-oath is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Jax FL, previously lived in Naples Italy
Posts: 253
[QUOTE=Dimmu Is My God]Do I need to be paranoid?
Do I need to be insecure?
Am I a fucked up compulsive bitchy little whore?
QUOTE]

yes, yes, and yes...you need to be all of those things to write amazing stuff... notice this; a depressed person writes with amazing depth, experience, and description, while a perfectly sane person writes sane stuff about flowers and bumblebees and pretty little girls swimming in the sea, not about the thorns, that rise and smother the rose...the wasps that crawl along your wrist and insert their fangs into your skin...the girl that swam tired in the sea with the sharks swimming all around her, the first bites and blood spreads like fingers through the water...
that's ex-depression right there.....
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  #3  
Old 2004-04-25, 18:48
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
 
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Sounds like I must be borderline on the sanity thing then! heh heh You just gave me an idea for an new piece, dear dying o' .

You answered yes, yes, yes, where I was gonna, too. bitch.
I'm kidding.


Well, it had some emotion to it, but seemed to jump from you to them with the line "No one cares about you". Obviously you do or you wouldn't be so emotionally wrought over them . I'd leave that out.

And I think you need a word other than "compells ". Seeps --might not be a bad word and it sounds pretty sinister there.

It's pretty basic actually. Maybe go through it and ask why or what feelings this or that causes and get a little deeper than what you have. It isn't bad for an outline and every line doesn't have to be changed but it needs something to make it memorable and punch up the imagery. Not too bad to start with.
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