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Old 2004-04-22, 18:45
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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"At the Museum" -- a story poem

I wrote this this morning. It's not a song at all, but I'm interested in comments about structure ,wording, flow, as well as the content. Grab some popcorn and settle in for a story. Remember it's told from the feminine aspect. Thanks!!

" At the Museum "

From the corner of my eye I watched you
And saw the look on your face
As you held the ancient ornament in your hands.
You traced the lines of perfection with white gloved fingers
And smiled with pleasure as if the greatest honor was bestowed you.
Looking top to bottom and measuring fingerbreadths
Between lines and twists of gold
Still as fine and detailed as when it was made.
The graphics on the walls seemed to betray their mediums
And stepped down to go about their business at hand.
Threshers carried their bundles of wheat.
Metal workers hammered and polished.
Ladies ground fine powders to add interest to their eyes.
And royalty surrounded with dogs were hand carried
In magnificently ornate carriages.
I realized my eyes tricked me
But I was so lost in imagination I spent quite some time there
Just for pure enjoyment.
Your casual suit became a garment of fine, rich fabric,
A brilliant deep blue, that hung to your ankles.
Bleached and brushed white linen the soft, long undergarment
All tied neatly with an ebony colored, braided cord with gold threads
That caught the rays of light, illuminating just enough without being gaudy.
You looked the part of a Prince
And I smiled, amused by the thought.
I dared not approach you, fearful that the scene would disappear
And I wondered if I should even tell you of my daydream.
You spoke to someone in passing and they stayed briefly
To admire the decoration so lovely.
I saw smiles and nods of approval exchanged.
And then I saw your eyes as if in slow motion rise to meet mine.
A chill passed through me and I felt frozen still.
You began to approach me with eyes sparkling like champagne.
I felt my heart in my throat as you spoke to me in an unknown tongue
And touched my face.
You smoothed my hair and placed the headpiece on me
As I stared into your eyes.
You kissed me and looked at me head to toe,
Still a smile upon your face as you nodded approval
Like the final brushstroke had just been completed.
You took a step backward and then another and another.
I blinked and all eyes had turned to you.
Then they began to go to their respective places of fixture
Upon the walls again.
I felt a panic strike my heart
And I felt almost breathless anxiety overtake me.
You still smiled, but I felt pure fear
As I felt a tear roll down my cheek.
I reached out my upturned hand
But couldn't reach you.
And you stepped into the scene as well.
Your face profiled,
But still the same expression.
You were gone.
I sat on the marble floor inside the tomb
And wept.
My hand drifted to my head
And I felt the ornament still there.
I looked to the side and caught my reflection
Mirrored in an obelisk of highly polished black stone.
I stared as if my heart was broken.
And as I stared I saw a figure also reflected standing behind me.
A face smiling in approval
And I felt a sudden calmness and serenity veil itself over me.
I looked again at the reflection of myself,
But when I looked to see the figure it was gone.
I rose up and wiped the tears away.
I walked to the place where the crown would rest for all to see.
I gazed at the man on the wall smiling.
And with a quaking smile and tearfilled eyes
I whispered "thank you" as my eyes dropped
And I slowly walked away.


BJH
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!

Last edited by L,B'XXX : 2004-04-25 at 17:19.
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  #2  
Old 2004-04-23, 20:29
dying-oath dying-oath is offline
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so where'd you get that from? the inspiration i mean...
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  #3  
Old 2004-04-23, 22:41
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powersofterror powersofterror is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
You kissed me and looked at me head to toe,
Still a smile upon your face as you nodded approval
Like the final brushstroke had just been completed.
You took a step backward and then another and another.
I blinked and all eyes had turned to you.
Then they began to go to their respective places of fixture
Upon the walls again.
I felt a panic strike my heart
And I felt almost breathless anxiety overtake me.
You still smiled, but I felt pure fear
As I felt a tear roll down my cheek.
I reached out my upturned hand
But couldn't reach you.
And you stepped into the scene as well.
Your face profiled,
But still the same expression.
You were gone.
I sat on the marble floor inside the tomb
..................

It seemed pretty "cute" and "sweet" until...yeah haha.
The first two lines quoted here made me want to beat some guys up for ya. But hey, I guess it turned out nice for ya at the end...although it sounded like a chick's wet dream imagination going wild...
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  #4  
Old 2004-04-24, 15:22
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BestialWarrior BestialWarrior is offline
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Right on Powers!!
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  #5  
Old 2004-04-24, 15:29
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what exactly happens here? i cant understand it
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  #6  
Old 2004-04-25, 17:17
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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dying oath and malevolent--This was from a post at tabrawler L/P where I also posted it. Maybe it'll shed some light for ya.
" "What was your subtle thing though, the reincarnation/past life memory theme or the fantasizing versus reality escapism thing?? "
--It was sort of both. The setting was taken from my memories last year when we went to the Chicago Museum of Natural History and saw the wonderful exhibition of Egyptology that was on loan from the British Museum. If it ever comes that way ,go see it. And they also had their own tomb constructed that you could walk through and it had lots of artifacts, too. That was a permanent exhibit there.

The female character was just there and the man from the past knew what was going to happen ,he was waiting for her, but she had no idea. She was just fascinated by how interested he was in the item. Then the transformation that she thought was her imagination started to unfold. As soon as their eyes met it was like she knew that there was some connection or they'd known each other before.
And to tell you the truth I got so involved writing it I was just about in the same shape as the character when I was done with it. That's why the closure wasn't on a tragic note. My stomach was knotted up and I had tears rolling. "

It was basically a man who lived long ago that came back to let his woman know he still loved her thousands of years later even though they couldn't be together. I'm a romantic at heart.

Powers' and Best' War'-- Ya think you're in touch with your feminine side enough to know that? I wouldn't go as far as a 'wet dream' but a very sweet, romantic love would be right.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #7  
Old 2004-04-25, 17:21
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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It was pointed out to me that it should be threshers instead of thrashers . And I also got a bit of help with the line describing the gold cord. I think it sounds better now.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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