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  #1  
Old 2004-04-01, 01:04
Crimson Thought's Avatar
Crimson Thought Crimson Thought is offline
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" Under The Moon "

Hey, my first post! Hope you guys enjoy my lyrics.

I Let it all go tonight,
Feelings ran from red to worse,
There was nothing stopping that hurt,
There was nothing there to feel.
I made a little scene,
I let it all come clean,
And with the sky so serene,
I let it all go tonight.

What have I grown into, My beloved soul?
What is it that made me think this way,
Tell me why my body asks for more,
While my mind begs for release?
What have I turned into, my one and only soul?
Why do I see the way no one else percieves?
Tell me why I didn't stop before,
and tell me why it begs for more?

The old revisited sting,
I can see it all so clear,
Forcing my world against the wall,
I can remember everything.....
Liquid crimson falls in love with the floor,
Reflecting the mark never there before,
The hole in the wall, is as empty as my soul,
As I try to remember what I used to be.

My heart is breaking, when I have to make a choice,
Why force me to raise my voice,
Do i have to rise up and decide how its going to be?
The choice wouldn't lie within one who's been keeping me.
I will return tonight with a vengance unlike ever before,
as I crawl in the shadows lurking at your door.
I'll leave a note of remembrance and goodbye
As I turn to leave and never come back.
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Of the once deceased bodies not through decomposure
Ending their peaces, their chances of hell

A vomit-type substance is formed from its innards
A festering slime that revels inside

The substance erupts and its stomach bursts open
Forced down your throat to regurgitate life
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  #2  
Old 2004-04-01, 08:14
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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Whoo, this is a toughy for me. I really liked it first of all. It's just that there are a few things I'm not quite sure about. Some of the verses seem to have a rhyme scheme and others don't. Everyone is different , but sometimes if I have verses that rhyme I don't in the chorus. This piece doesn't fall into that type structurally though and that's part of the confusion. I did get a nice meter through most of it so with the rhythm that obvious it should take to music very well.
I didn't like the soul reference twice in the same verse. That's a tricky word to use without it sounding weak. Before I do something with that are you speaking to yourself about your soul or is it someone you're saying all this to that you're asking the question of? That would make a big difference.

Your first couple lines caught my attention. That's a good thing to keep me wanting to read the rest. That whole verse was good. The next I've already commented on a little , but most of that was cool, too. The next verse was pretty heavy. I liked that.
The last verse I think could be better because it goes from a weakened state of asking what direction will be taken and then it goes from 'vengence' to 'crawling' which seemed back to weak again. BUT I think if you changed the word 'crawling' to 'standing' it would give it the strength image you seem to be after.

All in all, I thought it was dynamite. Sort of gave me a "Stone the Crow" feeling and a deeper voice doing this as an uncluttered piece would be very cool. Nice job. Good emotional imagery, too.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #3  
Old 2004-04-01, 12:12
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Crimson Thought Crimson Thought is offline
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Re:

Hey thanks for the criticism L,B'XXX, and I'm glad you liked it.
The verse Structure is odd for a reason. This song was actually made before the rythm of the lyrics was thought out, and somehow it fit really nicely when put with the riffs, hence that nice flow. I'm not much of a Rhymer when it comes to my stuff, if it rhymes its usually on accident, but this time i switched between Rhyming and jsut getting my point across, like Chuck Schuldiner does sometimes. The two soul references, ah yes. The first one is asking the love of my life a question, and the second time is a question to myself, introspectively.The last verse was kind of like, I'm being forced to make a choice, and at first I'm subtle and softspoken, but then i'm forced to rise up so I do, and I snap, and thats what I was shooting for, to make myself sound weak then all of a sudden it lets loose. The vengence reference was supposed to accomodate the crawling, It got kinda mixed up I guess though, the crawling through the shadows was supposed to be how I've transitioned into something dark and now I lurk in the dark. It wasn't supposed to be taken as weak...I could try to think of a better word, how about something like " Stalk? " instead of crawl?
But anyways, thanks for telling me what you though, sorry for the length of this too, lol
The way the song is, I've got tranquil yet haunting riffs to begin, then as the atmosphere picks up it gets more and more violent, and in the beginning i sing clean, but by the end I'm emitting low gutteral growls like Mikael Akerfeldt and the distortioness like Dan Swano. As you can tell they're huge influence to me
__________________
Of the once deceased bodies not through decomposure
Ending their peaces, their chances of hell

A vomit-type substance is formed from its innards
A festering slime that revels inside

The substance erupts and its stomach bursts open
Forced down your throat to regurgitate life
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  #4  
Old 2004-04-01, 19:19
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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I think Stalk would be an excellent way to put it. When I thought of stand I was thinking of someone standing and staring with rage inside from feeling empowered but using 'stalk' includes a lot of imagery. I think that's good.

And hey, if your mod doesn't mind the length, it's cool. If you were face to face with a collaborator or with your band you'd exchange more than just a couple words so that's the way I look at it. Some things can't be explained in just a couple words. I don't do it all the time, but sometimes.

Good luck with it. Glad I could help a little.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #5  
Old 2004-04-01, 20:05
Crimson Thought's Avatar
Crimson Thought Crimson Thought is offline
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yeah thats what I've done, I changed it to Stalk, I like it much better that way, and it fits the mood more. I agree, when I talk about projects and songs with fellow musicians we can never have a conversation under half an hour at least.
__________________
Of the once deceased bodies not through decomposure
Ending their peaces, their chances of hell

A vomit-type substance is formed from its innards
A festering slime that revels inside

The substance erupts and its stomach bursts open
Forced down your throat to regurgitate life
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