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  #1  
Old 2003-03-20, 00:32
Eternal_Sorrow Eternal_Sorrow is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 168
"Rains of Rebirth" a new song i wrote (EDITED VERSION)

Here's a new song, and this time i would really appreciate some god damn feed back!! I mean if no one tells me what i'm doing wrong i'll never get better!!
Also there a quite a few words that could have better synonyms used if you know any plz suggest them!!

(EDITED VERSION)

"Rains of Rebirth"

As the clouds gather above
Cast a shadow down upon us
we stand on the battle feild
drenched in the blood of our foes
now as the grey sky rumbles above
we stand in the cold waiting calmly
for the storm!!! to come

And on these vast feilds of the north
the rain begins to fall
but the blood it satys thick upon us
as we stand in awe
for our enemys they rise before us
a look of vengence tattoed upon there beaten faces
and as we stand in fear
our souls forever tainted
they come forth and strike us down!!

Now as we traverse to the afterlife
we are rejected by our forefathers
and sent from the halls of vallhalla
to forever suffer in the firey abyss of hell
for the sins of our lives were to great to be overlooked!!


RAINS OF REBIRTH
[BV] They fell and awoke the dead
DECIDED OUR FATE
[BV] Who came seeking vengace
AND SO WILLINGLY WE WENT
[BV] And a savage death they brought forth
INTO THE NEXT LIFE

[BV] = backing vocals, sung along with the words in caps but knida in the back as they should be!!

Last edited by Eternal_Sorrow : 2003-03-25 at 22:52.
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  #2  
Old 2003-03-20, 01:01
TheKtuluCall
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i thought it was alright, but i would replace foe with one of those enemy's because its like repition of words.
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  #3  
Old 2003-03-20, 22:34
killingismybiz killingismybiz is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Colorado, U.S.A.
Posts: 277
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Okay, yeah so... I painted my nails.

I didn't really like the verse with the backing vocals, and the last line of the last verse just screamed "cheesy" to me. Also using the word "slayed" sometimes seemed to throw the song off balance. But hey, you know, maybe it sounds great when you hum it in your head. Basically I'm saying I wasn't jumping for great song writing tactics, but it also wasn't a bad song. Decent.
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