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  #1  
Old 2005-12-24, 09:37
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MoonRaven MoonRaven is offline
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wishful thinking

if there is
any
shred of hope
a single
tiny
ray of light
at the end of
the tunnel
i will take
it and
cherish
it as though
it were
my final breath
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  #2  
Old 2005-12-24, 10:56
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come on , dude
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  #3  
Old 2005-12-24, 21:59
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ladies and gentlemen...the extreme suckfest of lyrics!
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  #4  
Old 2005-12-25, 06:30
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A - they arent lyrics, its a poem
B - i am coming on with that, i am coming on with deeply personal poetry
C - i haven written all kinds of shit, if you have any ambition, go to the backpages and check out my old shit, after you read some of that, then you can try to critisize me.

i dont mean to be snappy, i understand this is "t3h br00tal" metal forum, but i dont always write metal lyrics, i am a poet, i write whatever comes into my head, so before you spout off with your "worst lyrics ever" bullshit, take the poem for what it is, it is not a brutal grind tune, so dont read it with that mindset.
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Last edited by MoonRaven : 2005-12-25 at 06:33.
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  #5  
Old 2005-12-25, 13:09
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I didn't think it sucked...i didn't understand it, but it didn't suck. I'm glad you're not conforming, moonraven, that's good. Metal isn't just the lyrics, you could sing the fucking Yellow Brick Road with a death metal band and it would sound the same as Cannibal Corpse, except with...gay lyrics. Thank you.
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  #6  
Old 2005-12-25, 14:28
blizzard_beast blizzard_beast is offline
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As a piece of poetry it sucked in my opinion, but I think you could it work well as a start to a piece of prose.
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  #7  
Old 2005-12-25, 16:28
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i love music of all kind and my favorite lyrics always come from non metal genres spare a few bands. this was just nothing, its just gimmicky
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  #8  
Old 2005-12-25, 16:45
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I seem to be the only one here who understands your poem

I like it.

its short, straight forward, and brings forward your intention fast...

good job.

of course, its discussable if a poem should be something that is more challenging, in any way...


the interpretation is still the role of the reader.
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  #9  
Old 2005-12-25, 21:24
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I read it several times since it was posted. but wasn't sure how to describe how it made me feel. It seems like one of those pieces when one reaches an important milestone of thinking in their life. It wouldn't have to be long. It could be lengthened with specific elements leading up to the observation or even things that happened thereafter. It's the artisit's choice.
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  #10  
Old 2005-12-25, 21:55
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I found it to be very cliche.

*shred of hope

*ray of light

*end of the tunnel

*final breath


It's good that your trying to express yourself though. Not everyone is a natural poet, so keep it up.
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  #11  
Old 2005-12-26, 04:11
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meh, i can write, i know that, but as with the last one i posted, im experimenting with different kinds of writin, stuff thats more to the point, less visual, different than what im used to, its an attempt to break the rut ive been in for the past 6 or so months.
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  #12  
Old 2005-12-26, 09:18
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The style is interesting, though I myself must admit that I never got anywhere with it.
About this particular piece, I must agree that it felt a bit on the cliché side, but as you said it is an experiment. Keep up trying to use the form to express your thought and feelings and avoid all those usual poetic expressions. They work in many cases, but with this form you are so immensly much more dependant on every single word, not to say every single syllabel.
Maybe playing with the double meaning of some words might be the ticket?
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  #13  
Old 2005-12-26, 12:45
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if there is
any
shred of hope
a single
tiny
ray of light
at the end of
the tunnel
i will take
it and
cherish
it as though
it were
my final breath

Just playing with it a little bit. I know it could be better, but this is just a sporadic thing.

would I be seeing
any type of resolution
in the distant ray beaming
just the slightest amount
in slim revelation
I'd clutch it with grace
and nurture it
as though it were
the end
of my life
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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  #14  
Old 2005-12-26, 16:58
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Drop the silly line dividing and put it in a script.

Christ, tripple-x.
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  #15  
Old 2005-12-28, 05:42
PST 88 PST 88 is offline
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In addition to what's been said, it's fairly reminiscent of that Lamb of God lyric from Laid to Rest. Not exactly the same, but enough to immediately bring those lines to mind.

Anyway, as was said, it's hard to take something as genuine or personal when it relies so heavily on ready-at-hand phrases. If you feel that, despite being honestly compelled to make a poem out of some thought or feeling, there are no new ways to express it, and if the need to do so still remains, acknowledge this in the poem. Otherwise you basically have what you have here: a work that appears to mimic other peoples' emotions because it obviously mimics their phrases.

Or, yeah, put it in somebody else's mouth.
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  #16  
Old 2005-12-28, 12:06
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PST 88
In addition to what's been said, it's fairly reminiscent of that Lamb of God lyric from Laid to Rest. Not exactly the same, but enough to immediately bring those lines to mind.




good catch, i just heard that album today but i failed to see the resemblance. now i do.
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