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  #1  
Old 2007-10-01, 15:41
Auyard Auyard is offline
Senior Metalhead
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 216
Daemon Dog

Bored in Government class thought of this.

I've been listening to Repulsion a lot lately and I think it shows.

Scrawny little bitch
Birth a fucking litter
Daemon dog in sweet disguise
Bite out your fucking eyes

Walking down the street
Hear the howls of doom
Run for you fucking life
Before he is upon you

Runt of the litter
Ate his fucking sister
Rise to the top
Corpses in the litter

Saliva red with blood
Looking for your heart
Rip it out your fucking chest
Crushed between his jaws

First time really doing this so comments are welcomed or whatever.
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  #2  
Old 2007-12-10, 12:04
CAPCOPSNOW CAPCOPSNOW is offline
New Blood
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 44
i like the raw nastyness that you bring with your phrasing but when your doing a growling ryming type thing rythym is key. Try to make the corresponding lines have the same syllables (it really sounds tight) or know that you can growl or screams those lines in a way that makes sense. one more personal suggestion purely out of what i like but mix up the different images of gore that you want to portray like yes the dog ate its little but talk about the puppy corpses with guts hanging out everywhere (shock is another key thing to get peoples attention w your writing).
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  #3  
Old 2007-12-10, 13:10
Auyard Auyard is offline
Senior Metalhead
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 216
Thanks man, I just didn't put in as much effort as I really could have. I was writing it underneath the textbook and trying to appear as if I was obtaining information.
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