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Old 2006-01-02, 21:26
123smokey 123smokey is offline
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 65
lost love

all is lost now No hope to be found This pen and paper To write my thoughts down Ill step out of line Since its been a long time Now that your gone My sun will not shine Used to say you loved me It was a daily routine The little monster She was a part of me

let me know what you think , if it sucks i can take it
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Old 2006-01-03, 06:20
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Well, when you said "the little monster" I wasn't sure, but I know I refer to my kids as "little monsters" even though they're big monsters now. I'm torn with my opinion of it since I'm not sure of the nature of the loss. It's very basic emotion and words, but if it's something that's hearfelt, which it seems to be, it says what it needs to say to get it across. I'm not fond of pieces printed out this way, but at least you capitalized to break up the phrasing. This really didn't need it though since the meter was good.
I hope it's not a tragic little piece.
My eldest son's bipolar website:

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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Old 2006-01-03, 07:27
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Infinity Infinity is offline
Life is pain.
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,510
I don't like the rhythm reminds me of rap. But you could do something with it...
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Old 2006-01-04, 02:04
123smokey 123smokey is offline
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 65
it wasnt nothing tragic well not death or anything. it was about this girl i was planning on marrying but left me. i used to call her my little monster.

but thanks for the input. and yea it is allittle rapish.and the layout it was in poem form but the copy paste transfer did the paragraph style.
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