Thread: Forbidden Skies
View Single Post
Old 2003-02-13, 06:57
L,B'XXX's Avatar
L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,880
Send a message via ICQ to L,B'XXX Send a message via AIM to L,B'XXX Send a message via Yahoo to L,B'XXX
I'm back now.
1st one- I dunno. When I read the first one the other day I couldn't get into it at all, but today is a new day and it's hitting me different now. Unless it's just growing on me. I thought the flow was good. I like the way you've used some subtle imagery in speaking and using 1st person makes it more attractive , too. Not bad.

2nd one- "With blood and gore." - I thought adding 'and gore' to this line made it sound a bit juvenile. I think just leaving it at 'with blood' might be all you need there to give a massacred feeling since you mentioned battlefield already, but if you have music to it leave it alone. It's not that big of a deal.

We're riding splitting the ice
Carried by our dreams of the End
Our glory shall unite us
We're faster than Death.

Like an arrow we make our way
Whatever stands in front
Shall become wrath to our gods
And burried deep in pain.

Unleashing my demons' lust
I was finaly free of it all
I couldn't feel nor pleasure or pain
Regaining my crown.

I liked that whole part. All in all, not bad. Don't know if I was of any help , but at least you have another opinion. Now write some more !
Reply With Quote