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Old 2011-09-26, 09:47
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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The only nit I could find was in the line "´till your conscience be…put to the daily tests." I'm assuming there's a pause after the "be" before continuing the next phrase, but it doesn't sound right. Even if you added another word after that, I don't think "be" would fit. If you changed it to "is" there, it would not only sound better, but it would fall into the phrase after the pause better. Just thoughts.
This piece had a great natural rhythm going in it, and seems to introduce a new phase in the story.
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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