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  #33  
Old 2011-08-08, 12:09
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
Senior Metalhead
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Czech republic (Prag)
Posts: 134
Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Originally Posted by Hugozhor
Wake up again
To this world of pain
Everything is in vain
´cos nothing will remain - I'd eliminate the whole stanza. The rhyme is so common sounding and the thought adds nothing to the piece as a whole.

Use this as the first stanza instead. It draws people in instead of turning them off.
Never get what you want
Every right turns to wrong
All your goals are in haze
Of falling human race



I´m not sure about this. I think the first stanza might be common but it starts good with "wake up again"

Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Broken dreams are unseen
In sad daily routine

Prechorus:
Why are we here?
What is the meaning of our lives?
Defeated by fear
Each try to change the world is melted in lies -The last 2 lines are strong. The first two are much weaker. If you can get the same syllable count in the first 2 lines I'd change those.

Resignation
Takes away destination
Of promised land in your head
That is out of your hands

Burning hell you are in
Just a step from givin´ in
Whenever you can try
Leave all this world behind

But remember a score
there´s nothing to die for

Prechorus 2:
Why are we here?
What is the meaning of our lives?
Defeated by fear
Each try to change the world is melted in lies

With tears in your eyes
You realize


Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Chorus:
When you´re crawling on the edge
Of the world that´s killing you
When you´re feeling like a dead -Like a dead what? Or do you mean 'like you're dead?'
Then you realize the truth
There is nothing to live for
And even nothing to die for (either)


Yeah. I mean feeling like you´re dead. I think it´s good in lyrics,this isn´t novel, just lyrics


Prechorus 3:
With silent cries
You realize

Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
You´re hanging at place - You're hanging at 'a' place?
Between life and death
Nur one of two worlds -Nur? Did you mean 'not?'
is worth to go there -'is worth going there'
no reasons to care
no gain if you dare!



Ok. I´ll change it.

Prechorus 4:
With anger inside
You realize
Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Chorus:
When you´re crawling on the edge
Of the world that´s killing you
When you´re feeling like a dead
Then you realize the truth
There is nothing to live for
And even nothing to die for (either)-- 'And no reason to die' gives closure without sounding like a scramble for words. It also eliminates the repetition.


I´m not sure about the last line "and even nothing to die for (either)" but your line "and no reason to die" isn´t fit to melody.

Thank you for your comment.
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