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Old 2011-08-08, 07:38
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hugozhor
Wake up again
To this world of pain
Everything is in vain
´cos nothing will remain - I'd eliminate the whole stanza. The rhyme is so common sounding and the thought adds nothing to the piece as a whole.

Use this as the first stanza instead. It draws people in instead of turning them off.
Never get what you want
Every right turns to wrong
All your goals are in haze
Of falling human race

Broken dreams are unseen
In sad daily routine

Prechorus:
Why are we here?
What is the meaning of our lives?
Defeated by fear
Each try to change the world is melted in lies -The last 2 lines are strong. The first two are much weaker. If you can get the same syllable count in the first 2 lines I'd change those.

Resignation
Takes away destination
Of promised land in your head
That is out of your hands

Burning hell you are in
Just a step from givin´ in
Whenever you can try
Leave all this world behind

But remember a score
there´s nothing to die for

Prechorus 2:
Why are we here?
What is the meaning of our lives?
Defeated by fear
Each try to change the world is melted in lies

With tears in your eyes
You realize

Chorus:
When you´re crawling on the edge
Of the world that´s killing you
When you´re feeling like a dead -Like a dead what? Or do you mean 'like you're dead?'
Then you realize the truth
There is nothing to live for
And even nothing to die for (either)

Prechorus 3:
With silent cries
You realize



You´re hanging at place - You're hanging at 'a' place?
Between life and death
Nur one of two worlds -Nur? Did you mean 'not?'
is worth to go there -'is worth going there'
no reasons to care
no gain if you dare!

Prechorus 4:
With anger inside
You realize

Chorus:
When you´re crawling on the edge
Of the world that´s killing you
When you´re feeling like a dead
Then you realize the truth
There is nothing to live for
And even nothing to die for (either)-- 'And no reason to die' gives closure without sounding like a scramble for words. It also eliminates the repetition.


Hope that helps a little.
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