dsnt trust ne1 < 30
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Okay, you've got a conflict of idea here because in the bridge you have "Let the love begin" and then you say "Want no love just sex." If you can find a way to replace the first "love" the conflict will be gone.
Let the magic begin
Let the moment begin
Let impulse begin
Or you could change that line entirely. That's always an option.
Oh, one other thing. Right at the beginning is she standing inside at a bar or outside the bar like on the sidewalk? "A bar" makes it sound like she's outside. If you mean inside, change "a bar" to "the bar" and it will make that clearer.
And the line "My C. started to rise." I'm sure I know what that's supposed to say, but if you want the piece a little more user friendly you can substitute
My want started to rise
My blood started to rise
I think you get the idea.
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!