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Old 2011-07-26, 03:56
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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Okay, you've got a conflict of idea here because in the bridge you have "Let the love begin" and then you say "Want no love just sex." If you can find a way to replace the first "love" the conflict will be gone.

Let the magic begin
Let the moment begin
Let impulse begin

Or you could change that line entirely. That's always an option.

Oh, one other thing. Right at the beginning is she standing inside at a bar or outside the bar like on the sidewalk? "A bar" makes it sound like she's outside. If you mean inside, change "a bar" to "the bar" and it will make that clearer.

And the line "My C. started to rise." I'm sure I know what that's supposed to say, but if you want the piece a little more user friendly you can substitute

My want started to rise
My blood started to rise

I think you get the idea.
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