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Old 2011-07-25, 05:40
Hugozhor Hugozhor is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Czech republic (Prag)
Posts: 134
Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
I liked this, but the chorus seemed to have a couple nits.

Drowning to the lake of melancholy -"to" sounds awkward. "Drowning in a" sounds a little smoother there.
Just head above a surface - instead of "a surface" maybe "the surface." "a surface" makes me wonder surface of what?
Can´t get out all walls are slippery - okay
My eyes looking to a white haze - The "to" here seems tricky. I'm getting different interpretations of that. That can be a good thing if that's your intention.
Drowning to the lake of melancholy - See above
Sands below me falling down - okay
Shall it last eternally? - okay
Take it or leave it. Just my thoughts. Enjoyed the lyric.


Hi L,B'XXX

Thank you for your advices. I edited them.
You´ve got great feeling about a lyrics flow.

Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Or will my head go down too? -I like this idea, but having "too" at the end seems to make it less powerful. I'm not real sure how I'd alter that line other than completely removing "too."


You´re right. I´ve got the same feeling about "too" doesn´t fit to melody.
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