dsnt trust ne1 < 30
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
I liked this, but the chorus seemed to have a couple nits.
Drowning to the lake of melancholy -"to" sounds awkward. "Drowning in a" sounds a little smoother there.
Just head above a surface - instead of "a surface" maybe "the surface." "a surface" makes me wonder surface of what?
Canīt get out all walls are slippery - okay
My eyes looking to a white haze - The "to" here seems tricky. I'm getting different interpretations of that. That can be a good thing if that's your intention.
Drowning to the lake of melancholy - See above
Sands below me falling down - okay
Shall it last eternally? - okay
Or will my head go down too? -I like this idea, but having "too" at the end seems to make it less powerful. I'm not real sure how I'd alter that line other than completely removing "too."
Take it or leave it. Just my thoughts. Enjoyed the lyric.
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!