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Old 2010-12-09, 12:59
Paddy Paddy is offline
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Chicken Curry, Irish Peasant Style

This serves two fat fuckers or three fairly hungry thin fuckers.

4 chicken breasts
1 chicken stock cube (this one)
2 large peppers (these ones)
2 large onions
1 large carrot
Garden peas
Broad beans (if you like)
Canned sweet corn (if you like, just drain it first)
6 - 8 mushrooms (whatever kind you fancy, we use these ones or these ones)
Anything else you fancy! Most vegetables are fair game as far as I'm concerned.
Oh yeah, a tub of curry powder wouldn't go amiss either. This is the one we like to use.

I'm not a chef, but I do know that buying jars of pre-made sauces is never a good idea, even if they have pictures of famous chefs on the label.

We either have rice or chips (French fries) or both with the curry, so make sure you have one or the other handy. Cunt.

Step-by-step Guide
Get a wok or a large pot or whatever the fuck, add a small dribble of oil, just enough to help prevent the ingredients welding to the bottom. We generally use vegetable oil, but if you're a homosexual and want to use olive oil or if you're like PST and like using the ocular fluid of a newborn panda feel free. Heat the wok to a medium-ish level or slightly higher, then add the chopped onions and sliced carrots.

As the carrots and onions are frying up real nice, add a teaspoonful of sugar. This helps bring out the natural sweetness of the two vegetables, and if the onions are particularly strong it'll help soften the taste a little. Don't worry, you can't taste sugar when you're eating the final product; this ain't no sweet 'n' sour abomination.

After the onions start to brown a little bit you can add the chopped peppers, sliced mushrooms, frozen peas (ha) and whatever else you want to add. Treat all of this like a stir fry for about 5 minutes or so (i.e. stir it as it fries, Dylan), making sure everything has had a chance to get some face time with the metal. If you think you need to increase the heat a little go for it, I won't get mad. When you're happy with it add the chopped chicken breasts. Chicken cooks pretty quickly, if you were doing this with beef or Asians you'd need to start gently cooking the meat for several weeks beforehand.

Add salt. A palmful is about right.

Take your chicken stock cube and rub it between your thumb and fingers over the top of the wok, so it breaks into little bits like a chicken suicide bomber. I know it's generally considered better practice to melt the cube down in hot water first and then pour the stock in that way, but doing it my way will save you having to wash an extra cup and it also makes it easier to add the curry powder without it clumping into powdery blobs because of the excess moisture (plus you'll want to keep things dry for the next step). You just have to make sure you stir it all up real well, which is what you'll be doing anyway.

When the cube seems to have melted sufficiently add 3 tablespoons (flattened ones, not heaped, although I prefer 5 or 6 spoonfuls myself because I'm a hairy man) of curry powder to the mixture, and let it "roast" for a couple of minutes before adding boiling water from your kettle. Just keep everything moving to prevent sticking. When you're done and the ingredients are all nicely coated, and the kettle is boiled, pour in the water until the top layer of the ingredients are poking out above the waterline like stealthy dog turds in a puddle. If the water evaporates to the point where there isn't enough sauce left, ADD MORE WATER! YAY!

Once you get to this stage reduce the heat so it's between "off" and "middle-ish". Hot enough to keep things cooking, but not so hot that it'll disappear after 15 minutes.

From here it's basically just a matter of tasting it, checking the texture of the vegetables and making sure the chicken is cooked through (if there's any pink in the middle of a freshly sliced piece of cooked chicken it ain't ready; it's gotta be white, like the next U.S. president). We generally let things cook for about 15 to 20 minutes at this point, and we cook the chips or the rice during this period. Keep stirring the fucker every few minutes to prevent a skin forming and rings of impenetrable curried concrete around the rim of the wok.

There are many types of rice, some with extra bits added in, but anything will be fine. I think we have a different batch every week; whatever's the cheapest when we're in the supermarket becomes part of our grand feast.

Enjoy my special Scum Curry. I know you will.
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