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Old 2010-06-30, 15:35
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Amadeus Amadeus is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 2,143
I'd loose the "Oh's". Granted, even I throw them in here and there when reading at a poetry slam or singing, but it's a moment thing. Including them in writing is a buzz kill.

You've got a bit of a nice rhythm peeping out here and there, but it derails. For example, the first verse is going along quite nicely, until the last line where you almost break your tongue trying to read. Try reading it all out loud, several times, and you'll probably see it yourself. It should have flow.
By the way, if you drop the "Oh" in the second last line of the first verse you lose the rhythm, but me, I'd change it to "So damn hard". A clenched fist in the table and not just a lot of sighing at the window sill.

Not my favorite type of lyrics at any time of the day. But I'd say that if you sort out the rhythm, put it to some good music (Backstreet boys is NOT the way to go) and send it to her, it'll sit fairly well.
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