Thread: Judgement Day
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Old 2008-07-21, 16:04
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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Intermission of my soul
Rotten flesh peels away
Hammer lodged into my skull
Why should I stand this hell?

Drain my life away from me
Decay of my body in your dirty hands --could use on or covers there, too
Hang my corpse on your wall
You've been caught with bloody red hands

Why should I endure this pain?
You disgusting beast of torture --Repulsive beast of torture, maybe? You wouldn't have "disgust" repeated.

I am not your guinea pig
You disgust me to the core
Inquisition of your ways
Judgement day has finally come!


Just a little rearrangement. I kept the bones of the piece. Take or leave it. I just blocked some of the actions together. They were kind of randomly placed so it didn't have quite as much impact. I think if you really got into the character you could get him angrier about his situation.

The point of view I'm seeing this in is from deceased to hereafter. Kinda like a ghost that's still haunting and experiencing his death. Maybe a retaliation since he's still "talking" to the slayer.
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