Thread: Scapegoat
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Old 2007-02-20, 19:05
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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Verse 2:

Assemble your brotherhood
Those who share your interest
Plot your attack you should -- the "you should" reads awkward as heck. Should you have a comma to show a break there or take those words out?
You live because it is me you detest

Your past life was worse than death
Out of the coffin your hate did for you --"Did for you" was awkward.
Rally your troops and strike me down
Your lust for my blood exists, it's true that...

Maybe --
Your past life was worse than death
Out of the coffin your hate
Rallied your troops and struck me down
Your lust for my blood still exists, it's true that...

I don't think that changes what you're saying except changing the tense. I think I brought it back up to where you had it again.

This part just doesn't cut it.
Incinerate the Jews
Reject the fags
Hang the coons
Oppress the reds

You've got a lot of other references to racial stuff and I think you can get something equivalent to the next 4 lines that's not so offensive. The rest of the song isn't bad as far as the elements even though it's not my thing, but that strikes below a mark to a hate song.
Just my personal opinion. I did think it was a good read even though it kinda got to me.
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-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
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