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Old 2006-10-28, 15:47
PST 88 PST 88 is offline
Forum Daemon
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Posts: 4,982
Well, I listened to the music, and I'm perplexed. First because you use some Egyptian sounding progressions, which makes no sense unless you're writing on an Egyptian theme.

Secondly, and more importantly, I'm perplexed because you seem to think that this music and these lyrics go together. The music is dark, unrelenting, and repetitive (that's not an insult). The lyrics are supposed to be about something that would fit this kind of music - it does have a martial feel to it - but because your treatment of the material is so juvenile it seems like a completely different song. More, the music implies martial discipline, and while that works for the characters and theme you've chosen, your decision to treat them as bloodthirsty punks who scream inane things like
I desire blood and evil.
to eat my fucking lunch god-damnit!
looking to get smacked in the face!?
idiot scream or suck on that

doesn't really gel. Neither do the bits about innards and pretty much any of the bloodthirsty crap. The reason I'm perplexed is that the music shows a kinda of understanding of the martial discipline that characterizes your subject, but your lyrics do nothing of the sort, as though you magically lost your understanding when you started writing words. And it doesn't repeat, both in the sense that there aren't repeated passages and in the sense that you don't shape the cadences and syllables so that they build up the same kind of repetitions as the music.

Listening to the music just convinces me that you need to do even more work to make this serviceable.
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