Thread: Fear
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Old 2006-02-05, 08:30
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L,B'XXX L,B'XXX is offline
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Not a bad rewrite, Souli'.

Hello fellow Buckeye!! I thought it was okay until you got to the line "Looking for virgin thoughts, and fear in your eyes." Using the word virgin in things is tricky as far as I'm concerned. It can sound lame as heck. As far as "virgin thoughts" to me that means first thoughts and doesn't really make a whole lot of sense why the demon would care about those. Maybe it's just my interpretation, but I think it would be better if the "virgin" was dropped there. (But don't drop them too hard. ) Maybe changing the word "Looking" in that same line to "Searching" would suit the thoughts and eyes better, too.

It took a couple reads to get a meter completely through it, but it's there. I don't think it's too bad. The balance of thoughts is good and there's some action going on. breaking the piece into 4 line stanzas might make it more comfortable to read. I don't know if I'd even add a chorus to it. There's a lot of songs that don't have them. You could really play up the music between the verses with some good solos.

Just some ideas.
My eldest son's bipolar website:

-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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