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Old 2004-10-17, 06:41
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Supreme Metalhead
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 731
You like the word 'muzzled,' don't you?

I really like the first stanza, but the inclusion of 'And the leaves fall from the woods' is puzzling. Something about the abrupt and unnecessary use of imagery - pathetic fallacy is redundant when the location is internal - in what is an almost exclusively inward and reflective piece spoils, for me, the unity. I suppose that effect will be lessened when heard rather than read, and it does at least do something to foreshadow the 'forest of my dreams,' but something about it jumps out at my eyes like a sore spot. However, don't take it out unless there's something worth replacing it with; it does hold a place, and that's fairly important with music.

The last line of that stanza seems like something Dax Riggs would write, which is a compliment, coming from me.

The dangling 'from' in the penultimate line is a little jarring; I see what it means, but the grammatical scaffolding isn't holding that up.

I like the use of anadiplosis in the first two stanzas. Those two are probably the strongest. All in all I think it's a very good piece, with only a few nitpicks.

As for the music, hold on a minute while Ride the Lightning finishes so I can give it another listen. All right:

I really, really hate the sound of midi. I like the main riff and the damn midi makes it sound like it should be playing as I walk around the world in a Final Fantasy game. I also like when it gets a bit heavier, especially as, right after that riff starts to get repetitive (around 2:02), its nicely broken up. I'd suggest a bit more of that. The little break around 2:30 is very nice. Around the point the riff comes back I'd say it's getting overly repetitive, but you say that's where the solo is, so that's fine. The riff at 3:25 sounds genuinely mournful (or as much so as midi allows it to get), which is very good considering the subject matter and where I imagine the lyrics have gotten at this point. I like it, but it would be nice to have more variety during the heavier middle section; maybe just some variations on the main riff. It wouldn't take much; it's just not the type of riff that I can hear repeated ad nauseum without feeling it get a bit monotonous. Which is too bad, really, because it's really a pretty good riff. I'd like to have a chance to hear the music without being reminded of video games I played as a kid.

I hope some of that was helpful.
Immense in my girth, erect I stand tall
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