Band needed
 

Hi fucks,

It's been a long time. But I have this thing called a Ph.D and it's like trying to raise a baby without hands. And resist kicking it to death.

Listen, I need a band. A particular band. You fuckers collectively know more metal than me, so I'm asking you a favour. Civil eh? Bear with me.

It's for a stage show. It's for a very particular kind of stage show where shit gets broken and things go flying around. Think of it as psychotic cabaret. And it requires a very particular kind of heavy shit. Now, it's on a very peculiar line, this heavy shit.

I need something that is driving, hard, fairly clean and consistent... it's a stage show, remember, this needs bass - no War From A Harlot's Mouth spazzy breakdown jizzbombs or nothing, no grizzled 300BPM fills, nothing like that.

There are a bag of things which are kind of getting there but not really heavy enough:

Alice Cooper - think Raise Your Fist and Yell kind of stuff, not the fucking ballads
Lordi - think the stuff that was threatening to have some kind of balls... Blood Red Sandman, Devil is a Loser etc. but never quite did
Rammstein or any other Neue Deutche Harte band - bass drives and it's all very German and shit, just not enough... grunt.

Something like Slipknot would be good if 1) everyone hadn't heard the songs 2) they played something relatively consistent instead of trying to be ARTCISTISICSIITCS 3) I didn't not like them.

And don't give me a bunch of shit THOSE BANDZ FAG LOLZ - if I had my way, I'd just use Jungle Rot songs but I don't get my way this time. Just be helpful... something must fit this bill. Help greatly appreciated.

It's good to see you by the way. You stained carpets with faces.

cheerzyacuntz,
FBS

Arcturus

Teitanblood.

Long time no see, Jims.

I don't think either of those bands sound anything like he recommended. Teitanblood seems to be your answer to everything, Wolf.

The first thing that popped into my head was Mastodon, specifically the tracks Crusher Destroyer, Mother Puncher, March Of The Fire Ants, Where Strides The Behemoth, and Burning Man (which are all off of Remission). Plenty of consistent, raw, heavy energy to inspire psychotic destruction. Also check out Sleepytime Gorilla Museum's "1997" and "Helpless Corpses Enactment" (HCE! Actually the whole song's lyrics are taken from Finnegan's Wake), especially if you're looking for something with a weirder edge.

That's all that comes to mind right now but I'll mull it over.

Arturus? Synth, double kicks and operatic vocals. Kinda, not really.

Tetianblood? ... Well, 'Necrosemen' to you too. Twat.

Old Mastodon is easily the best idea out of everything so far. Only Mastodon I ever really enjoyed, anyway. I'll play all of Remission and think about it.

Keep at it, sacks.

Machine Head? Destorying things and shit would be probably cool to that

Maybe Dephosphorus


No Teitanblood-like band. Promise.

Triptykon?

I was thinking some early Machine Head might work, too.

What about GWAR? Early Meshuggah? More recent Decapitated? I know the last two utilize some strange time sigs and such, but not really in an inaccessible way. I knew more kids in high school who liked Meshuggah than Slayer and Megadeth combined. Pretty accessible shit, I think.

Additionally, go eat a bag of dingo dicks you kangaroo molesting donut puncher. I'd bet a quick swab of your urethra and a well placed night vision camera would shed a lot of light on the recent koala chlamydia outbreak, wouldn't it? Bugger off, you yuppie poofter.

I miss you, Jimberly. :(

I just came here to suggest Meshuggah, looking more at Chaosphere.

Black Cobra

Now we're getting somewhere.

Gimme some whilez.

How about Turisas? Not my cup of tea, but I've heard them at my brother's house and they seem to have a consistent "stomp" feel to their sound.

What about late 80's Anthrax? Mid-paced, reasonably accessible, mosh-a-riffic thrash with the type of vox that don't irritate non-metal heads.

Rezzles, give me your three best Anthrax songs in that mould. You so clever.

Manswhore - I am so impressed with myself, I heard one fucking Turisas riff and said THESE GUYS ARE FINNISH. I fucking win at life. Good suggestion - looking for a song with minimal fruity, major thirds and accordion amongst what they've got. Not really my thing either, to be honest... still playing the new Decapitated over and over again.

Cunty - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dU6gTAr119M is so close to glory it's not funny. Kind of a Mastodon-Zeke hybrid. I fucking love it, but the low-fi sound won't work in a venue, it's the opposite of crisp.

(BTW I'm doing a really hardcore show in a few months where the people need to be seriously stirred up and scared shitless - soundtrack for that was easy. FLESHGOD APOCALYPSE. Several hundred people will end that night a lot more metal than they started it.)

Heya, Australian cunt. I always enjoy reading your posts.

Would doom metal work? Problem I see is that it's not necessarily "clean" sounding, but the low end is present and fairly constant. Maybe something like:

Neurosis
Isis
Electric Wizard acoustic version... if only.

If you are flexible, I recommend checking out some industrial like Front Line Assembly's Tactical Neural Implant for the more genuine, better sounding Rammstein aesthetic.

Don't know if that helps at all. I don't really listen to either Lordi or Alice Cooper so these recs could be complete shit.

Complete fucking side note: I'm indebted to you for recommending me Jim Goad. He has since become one of my favorite authors.

Heh. No worries.

FLA is a great idea.