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-   -   A Brief History of Ireland (http://metaltabs.com/forum/showthread.php?t=56527)

Paddy 2010-11-23 19:44

A Brief History of Ireland
 
Once upon a time there was an island called Ireland. It was a wondrous, lush and vibrant place filled with saints, scholars and poets, where the women were all beautiful and the men were sensitive, attentive and not a bunch of pigheaded cunts at all. For these reasons it's not surprising that some have speculated that Ireland was in fact the fabled island of Atlantis, it was that good. There was no such thing as sadness in Ireland; everyone was happy all the time. If you asked someone if they hated people of other religions, or if they disliked people of different colour, they'd laugh heartily and say "everyone is awesome and we, by extension, are also awesome, although we're not arrogant on that point, just honest, which is another trait we have - honesty and goodness". No one ever tripped over and hurt their leg, no one ever sang out of tune, no one even knew what a frown looked like. Childbirth was painless, doctors weren't even needed because no one ever got sick, the internet had already been invented and monkeys roamed the streets freely and were toilet trained and didn't masturbate.

Then, 800 years ago, the English came and fucking destroyed everything. They fingered our women, fucked our monkeys, ate our furniture, shut down our interwebs and introduced the concept of unhappiness into this pure Eden. They also started the potato famine and made sure that the potato manufacturers made spuds which didn't work like when those guys made dud bombs in Schindler's List, they invented Protestants, dumped toxic copper residue into our waters to make us ginger (a fate that I myself was fortune enough to escape) and worst of all they gave us sex offenders and a crap accent.

29 years ago something even worser happened. As if the English weren't bad enough they decided to sink even further into the depths of oppression and depravity by spunking out a complete and total ARSE-BISCUIT called John "I Eat Irish Babies" Mansley. I ask you, is it a coincidence that I haven't had a sniff of pussy in all the time I've known this man? His very Englishness has reacted with my Irishness over the webbernets and made me impotent and unattractive to women. I also lost 20 once when I was emptying old receipts out of my wallet. The fucking English bastard strikes again.

John is a special kind of bad English fucker, because he's from Liverpool, or "Little Ireland" as it's also known. He's probably my second cousin or something, which would explain why I find him so irresistibly sexy. Liverpool is populated by that half-way transition between good Irish and bad English pissfaces. Traitors, both in character and genetics. Accent-wise we're about even; no one outside of our respective tribes knows what the fuck we're saying half the time.

Having said all of that, he's a damn nice bloke.

Happy birthday JOHN "NOT A BAD LAD" MANSLEY!!!!!!!!!!!1

EL EYE VEE
EE ARE PEE
DOUBLE OH EL LIVERPOOL FC!

:beer: :birthday:

You'll be 30 two years before me. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

L,B'XXX 2010-11-23 20:49

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Accent-wise we're about even; no one outside of our respective tribes knows what the fuck we're saying half the time.


HMM, imagine that?

Have a great birthday and just thank the saints and sinners above and below that you aren't a spud spelunking, bald headed, curry sniffing, ape ancestor like Paddy.

:beer: :beer:

Dyldo 2010-11-23 22:46

Hurray! Mansley day! I love you with all of my 2 inches of pink, throbbing Jesus. Have a good one, you English imperialist mother fucker.

And one day, when I have kids (or a hamster, same thing) I will read them this Brief History of Ireland every night before they lay their pretty heads to sleeps.

JoeYngVai 2010-11-24 01:06

Great read, Paddy. I envy your writing skills.

Happy Birthday, John! :beer:

Def 2010-11-24 03:44

Harr!!

Have a good'n !

:beer:

Amadeus 2010-11-24 04:32

One step closer to the middle age crisis!

PST 88 2010-11-24 04:54

MANSLEY = CUMBOY

johnmansley 2010-11-24 08:18

Tremendous as usual, Paddy, and the Liverpool chant topped it off nicely!

Thanks to all wellwishers, except PST. I refuse to acknowledge his existence until David Cross is restored as his avatar, even though I just acknowledged his existence. It's this sort of circular logic that has held me in good stead for 29 long, long years.

Gomli 2010-11-24 09:07

too long, did not read

Happy Birthday Mansley :love:

Paddy 2010-11-24 16:38

Quote:
Originally Posted by johnmansley
Tremendous as usual, Paddy, and the Liverpool chant topped it off nicely!

Thanks to all wellwishers, except PST. I refuse to acknowledge his existence until David Cross is restored as his avatar, even though I just acknowledged his existence. It's this sort of circular logic that has held me in good stead for 29 long, long years.
Ignoring PST is like ignoring the gaping sore on your perineum. Even if you could somehow block out the annoyance it's probably better for your health to keep an eye on it at all times.

Getting up to much for your birthday John? I did, I did loads with all my great friends. I bet I did more than you. Tell me what you did first and then I'll tell you if I did more.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gomli
too long, did not read
Yeah, I even bored myself with this one, but fuck it it's not like I'm paid to be utterly fascinating ALL the time! In fact, I'm not paid at all. I'm firing pure genuineness into your hair for free, because I love you Gomers. I love everything about you. I'm just not "in" love with you, so stop with the calling and hanging up please.

JoeYngVai 2010-11-24 17:18

Must add that I love your avatar, Paddy...

Paddy 2010-11-24 18:03

IT'S PAWTY TAIM!

Dyldo 2010-11-24 18:18

Everyone upload a picture of your penis for Paddy's bday.

Mansley gets the balls.

This includes you too, LB.

JoeYngVai 2010-11-24 22:48

All scanners and Digital Cameras in the US have banned photos of my penis. Its a digital recognition that gets triggered, kinda like a finger-print or US Currency. So apologies :/

johnmansley 2010-11-25 04:35

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dyldo
Everyone upload a picture of your penis for Paddy's bday.


My camera doesn't do panoramic, unfortunately.

Pads: I started my birthday celebrations a bit early this year: drinks with mates on Friday then a meal with my girlfriend and my best mate and his wife on Saturday. I'm off to my folks' gaff for tea tonight.

Other than that, I've not actually done much. There were no midgets involved this year.

Paddy 2010-11-25 05:21

Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeYngVai
All scanners and Digital Cameras in the US have banned photos of my penis. Its a digital recognition that gets triggered, kinda like a finger-print or US Currency. So apologies :/
Quote:
Originally Posted by johnmansley
My camera doesn't do panoramic, unfortunately.
:rofl:

Quote:
Originally Posted by johnmansley
Pads: I started my birthday celebrations a bit early this year: drinks with mates on Friday then a meal with my girlfriend and my best mate and his wife on Saturday. I'm off to my folks' gaff for tea tonight.

Other than that, I've not actually done much. There were no midgets involved this year.
I had exactly the same experience, minus the girlfriend, mates, drinks and dinners. It's uncanny!

Small and manageable is always better though (just ask Dylan's ex-boyfriends), otherwise it becomes too impersonal and instantly forgettable.

Here's to another year of being the only mod on MT who doesn't have at least one sworn enemy :beer:

Wolfsherz 2010-11-25 10:53

UNLESS YOU ARE RELIGIOUS,
OR SOMEONE PATRIOTIC,
ALL THOSE OTHER HOLIDAYS ARE PRETTY IDIOTIC
SO I CELEBRATE MY BIRTH,
AND WHEN I CAME TO EARTH
EVEN THOUGH I HATE MY LIFE I CELEBRATE MY BIIIIRTH


DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN
BIRTHDAYS ARE AWESOME
DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN
BIRTHDAYS ARE AWESOME
DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN
BIRTHDAYS ARE AWESOME
DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN
BIRTHDAYS ARE AWESOME

L,B'XXX 2010-11-25 12:12

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dyldo
Everyone upload a picture of your penis for Paddy's bday.

Mansley gets the balls.

This includes you too, LB.


Now that's a challenge!! hahahaha no

FearFrost 2010-11-25 17:47

newfoudland > ireland

still..

have a good one ya "spud eatin' Mc"

Paddy 2010-11-25 17:54

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolfsherz
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlGHGxVj7K4
.\m/

Quote:
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Now that's a challenge!! hahahaha no
Denny's will do; you still carry them around in your purse, yes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by FearFrost
newfoudland > ireland

still..

have a good one ya "spud eatin' Mc"
I'VE NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED! Show some fucking respect - "Spud" is always spelt with a capital S. Learn that shit!

Cheers man, even though this is actually John's thread haha :beer:


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