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Paddy 2010-10-07 06:50

The Official MetalTabs Culinary Thread
Let's talk pie.

I was thinking it might be good to have this top post contain recipes submitted by individual users throughout the course of our discussion, and I (or another mod) will add to it as the recipes appear. To keep things from becoming too comprehensive it'd probably be better to only include recipes which are more or less inventions of said users, rather than having a long list of stuff you could otherwise find quite easily by searching the webses. Full credit will be given along with each recipe, unless it's from PST, in which case full credit will be given to the Ladybird Book of Cooking from which he learnt everything he knows.

The Execrator 2010-10-07 15:30

Yay, a culinary thread! BRB, going to work to cook food for 8 hours

Paddy 2010-10-07 16:42

Technically meth production doesn't count as "cooking" in the sense implied by this thread.

drawn&quartered 2010-10-07 17:06

Does jenkem count? Im thinking about starting my own jenkem company

Paddy 2010-10-07 17:08

Unless you plan to bake it into a brownie, 'fraid not :p

Dyldo 2010-10-07 17:08

Well this is off to a great start.

YOUR_GOD_IS_DEAD 2010-10-07 18:51

Anyone try cooking or eating any central/south american delicacies? Much more different from traditional Mexican dishes. They take longer to prepare.

L,B'XXX 2010-10-07 19:17

I put tabasco in my brownies sometimes ala South America since they combine heat and cocoa. Just don't go overboard and I think they're good.

I make Mexican meatloaf or Mexican meatballs by putting crushed tortilla chips (or regular Doritos are good, too), a can of diced green chilies, an egg, and a blurp of milk into a bowl and let it sit a few minutes. Mix that with your hands with a couple pounds of ground chuck. Preheat your oven to about 450F. Make 4 small meatlumps in a pan. I use a half sheet if it's 85/15 or a two piece broiler pan so the grease can drain if it's 80/20. Bake until the outside is just turning a little brown and then cut the heat back to about 375 to 400 until you can poke it and it's not oozing a lot. Probably at least 45 minutes to an hour. When the meatloaves are just about done, pour some salsa and shredded cheddar on them and put them back in the oven for a couple minutes to melt the cheese.
If you want meatballs, use the same mix, drain after cooking, and put them in a pan with some salsa. Add cheese on your plate.
When you make the lumps instead of one big one it doesn't take as long to bake.

Dyldo 2010-10-07 19:22

Originally Posted by YOUR_GOD_IS_DEAD
Anyone try cooking or eating any central/south american delicacies? Much more different from traditional Mexican dishes. They take longer to prepare.

I've had a good taste of South American dishes, especially Ecuador as one of my childhood best friend's family came over from there and I'd get a lot of tasty dishes. Peruvian is also pretty fucking tasty.

I don't think I've had anything from Central America. What separates it from South and Mexico? Any recipes?

YOUR_GOD_IS_DEAD 2010-10-08 01:01

Originally Posted by Dyldo
I don't think I've had anything from Central America. What separates it from South and Mexico? Any recipes?

Little differences, mostly length in preparation. Its more common to find a Mexican food restaurant than a Central American one because from what i have experienced with my family and family of my gf (compiled of greedy Guatemalans on my part and angry El Salvadorians on hers), GOOD authentic central american food takes quite some time to prepare and cook. Also, black beans are more common in Central American cuisine, whereas pinto/brown beans are more common in Mexican food dishes.

As for differences, here are a few examples:

Mexican "Tamale" : corn masa, husks, your choice of meat, etc.
Guatemalan "Pache": replace corn masa with potatoes. instead of mushy corn masa, you almost get this feeling like eating poorly cooked mashed potatoes, but not poorly cooked, sort to speak.

Mexican "Menudo": tripe, hominy, pigs feet, veggies
Guatemalan "Revolcado/curried pork stew" : cow stomach, small pig's head, various types of peppers and chilis + more.

Then there are Pupusas that come from El Salvador. The best way to explain it is like having a stuffed, thick, flour tortilla or flatbread. A common filling is cheese, black beans + cheese, ground seasoned meats (mainly fried chopped pork aka chicharrones) or cheese + loroco (a tropical vine flower). Pupusas are usually eaten with curtido, which could be compared to cole slaw or sauerkraut and also served with this semi-sweet salsa.

There are many, many more plates I could get into, but don't feel like at the moment. We OTMs (other-than-mexicans) have very good food. I've heard TONS about Brazilian cuisine. Does anyone know much about that?

PST 88 2010-10-08 01:54

There is literally no cuisine in the world defined by length of preparation. A lot of the differences between Mexican food and Central and South American or Caribbean food has to do with the flavorings used, not how long it takes to make. And a lot of the best Latin American food (that's not Mexican) doesn't really resemble anything Mexican. Take, for example, something like ropa vieja or matambre.

I'd also like to point out that Mexican food is hardly monolithic; it's arguably the best developed cuisine in the New World, and inarguably the most varied.

Brazilian food can be awesome, and like Mexican it's pretty varied. Feijoada is bomb, maybe the best of the ubiquitous Latin American 'braised meat with rice and beans' dishes. And going to a churrascaria is always a good way to eat way too much meat.

Pupusas are a fairly common street food in parts of NYC these days, and are awesome.

Gomli 2010-10-08 09:11

During the next few weeks me and some friends of mine are going to make an EPIC burger. I`ll definitely post some pics

YOUR_GOD_IS_DEAD 2010-10-08 14:11

I beg to differ. I have noticed with friend's mexican families and central americans families, including mine. For some odd reason our food has always taken longer to cook up and prepare. That is, if you want to make it from scratch and not buy pre-made sauces or seasonings. Even then, making traditional guatemalan food from scratch takes longer to prepare and cook than cooking traditional mexican food from scratch.

PST 88 2010-10-09 01:38

Well, now you're just not listening. There's no such thing as a single 'traditional Mexican food,' so your anecdotal evidence isn't worth much. Beyond that, though, when I've worked in a Mexican restaurant there were braised dishes that took over a day to complete properly, from scratch. Just like braised dishes from every other cuisine, ever.

There is seriously never going to be a major difference between one country and another in terms of how long it takes to prepare the food, unless you're gauging it based on the wrong food. The question I would start asking is why it takes longer for Central American food than Mexican food, in your experience.

Paddy 2010-10-09 07:39

Originally Posted by PST 88
There is literally no cuisine in the world defined by length of preparation.
You've obviously never heard of the South African long pie. It's one of the few conceptual pies to have survived the apartheid regime and is made entirely of time and faith. The longer you spend making it the more nutritional value it has, not for the physical body but for the soul. If someone hands you a rock as a gift you'd probably ask if they've kept the receipt, but if you knew that they had spent several years rubbing it and thinking about your happiness as they did it you'd be more inclined to afford it some value. Likewise, the long pie is an empty plate filled with the time sacrificed by the chef on your behalf.

Long pie.

L,B'XXX 2010-10-09 15:15

Even culinary threads aren't sacred to you, Paddy. Why don't you enlighten us with some of those curry recipes you seem to enjoy?

Paddy 2010-10-09 16:09

I'm a little self-conscious about posting recipes in the presence of an actual chef. If PST promises not to read or respond to or even think about whatever I post I'll consider sharing my sweet knowledges, but he has to PROMISE! :bawling:

In the meantime:


Big Pat's Kamikaze Beans & Sausages

1. Grill, fry or deep fry or even spit-roast 8 pork or beef sausages. It doesn't matter which, you're not gonna taste the fuckers anyway.
2. While the sausages are being cremated pour the baked beans [these ones] into a microwaveable dish, and then dump in about half a shaker of ground black pepper, less if you're a gay faggot, and stir it up real nice with your favourite fork with the big handle.
3. When the sausages are nearly done, microwave the beans for 4 minutes on full power. It's a custom of mine to press my face against the microwave door for the full 4 minutes in the hopes of acquiring some superpowers but in general it just makes me sleepy and unable to add basic numbers together for several hours.
4. When everything is done put the sausages on a plate, then pour the kamikaze beans over the top of 'em so everything resembles black people drowning in a volcanic eruption. Remember, if they resemble Asians you haven't cooked them long enough!
5. Place a twig of parsley on the edge of the plate and stick a little blue flag with "Go Sausages!" written on it into the most central sausage.
6. Knife optional.
7. Eat. Eat like you've never eaten before.
8. Thank me for the best meal you ever had.


Seriously, that shit never gets boring, and it's fuckin' deliciously yummy. It only takes about 15 minutes, too!

Fuck, now I'm in the mood for some KAMIKAZE BEANS & SAUSAGES™!!!!!1

Gomli 2010-10-10 04:23

Originally Posted by Paddy

Paddy 2010-12-09 12:59

Chicken Curry, Irish Peasant Style

This serves two fat fuckers or three fairly hungry thin fuckers.

4 chicken breasts
1 chicken stock cube (this one)
2 large peppers (these ones)
2 large onions
1 large carrot
Garden peas
Broad beans (if you like)
Canned sweet corn (if you like, just drain it first)
6 - 8 mushrooms (whatever kind you fancy, we use these ones or these ones)
Anything else you fancy! Most vegetables are fair game as far as I'm concerned.
Oh yeah, a tub of curry powder wouldn't go amiss either. This is the one we like to use.

I'm not a chef, but I do know that buying jars of pre-made sauces is never a good idea, even if they have pictures of famous chefs on the label.

We either have rice or chips (French fries) or both with the curry, so make sure you have one or the other handy. Cunt.

Step-by-step Guide
Get a wok or a large pot or whatever the fuck, add a small dribble of oil, just enough to help prevent the ingredients welding to the bottom. We generally use vegetable oil, but if you're a homosexual and want to use olive oil or if you're like PST and like using the ocular fluid of a newborn panda feel free. Heat the wok to a medium-ish level or slightly higher, then add the chopped onions and sliced carrots.

As the carrots and onions are frying up real nice, add a teaspoonful of sugar. This helps bring out the natural sweetness of the two vegetables, and if the onions are particularly strong it'll help soften the taste a little. Don't worry, you can't taste sugar when you're eating the final product; this ain't no sweet 'n' sour abomination.

After the onions start to brown a little bit you can add the chopped peppers, sliced mushrooms, frozen peas (ha) and whatever else you want to add. Treat all of this like a stir fry for about 5 minutes or so (i.e. stir it as it fries, Dylan), making sure everything has had a chance to get some face time with the metal. If you think you need to increase the heat a little go for it, I won't get mad. When you're happy with it add the chopped chicken breasts. Chicken cooks pretty quickly, if you were doing this with beef or Asians you'd need to start gently cooking the meat for several weeks beforehand.

Add salt. A palmful is about right.

Take your chicken stock cube and rub it between your thumb and fingers over the top of the wok, so it breaks into little bits like a chicken suicide bomber. I know it's generally considered better practice to melt the cube down in hot water first and then pour the stock in that way, but doing it my way will save you having to wash an extra cup and it also makes it easier to add the curry powder without it clumping into powdery blobs because of the excess moisture (plus you'll want to keep things dry for the next step). You just have to make sure you stir it all up real well, which is what you'll be doing anyway.

When the cube seems to have melted sufficiently add 3 tablespoons (flattened ones, not heaped, although I prefer 5 or 6 spoonfuls myself because I'm a hairy man) of curry powder to the mixture, and let it "roast" for a couple of minutes before adding boiling water from your kettle. Just keep everything moving to prevent sticking. When you're done and the ingredients are all nicely coated, and the kettle is boiled, pour in the water until the top layer of the ingredients are poking out above the waterline like stealthy dog turds in a puddle. If the water evaporates to the point where there isn't enough sauce left, ADD MORE WATER! YAY!

Once you get to this stage reduce the heat so it's between "off" and "middle-ish". Hot enough to keep things cooking, but not so hot that it'll disappear after 15 minutes.

From here it's basically just a matter of tasting it, checking the texture of the vegetables and making sure the chicken is cooked through (if there's any pink in the middle of a freshly sliced piece of cooked chicken it ain't ready; it's gotta be white, like the next U.S. president). We generally let things cook for about 15 to 20 minutes at this point, and we cook the chips or the rice during this period. Keep stirring the fucker every few minutes to prevent a skin forming and rings of impenetrable curried concrete around the rim of the wok.

There are many types of rice, some with extra bits added in, but anything will be fine. I think we have a different batch every week; whatever's the cheapest when we're in the supermarket becomes part of our grand feast.

Enjoy my special Scum Curry. I know you will.

Dyldo 2010-12-09 13:15

Why the fuck do I have to sign up to see a picture of food. Fuck Tesco.

Sounds good though. Anyone know how difficult is it to make a curry sauce from scratch? Rich?

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