These are the lyrics to a song I wrote last weekend. An audio version can be found here The song is from two peoples point of view and changes a couple times shouldn't be hard to tell who is saying what. Hope you like it.
This fowl swine has committed the grave crime
Of performing sorcery
Send him to trial so that he may betray his clan
And then to the guillotine he must go
What kind of man betrays his empire?
Who could commit the acts which have lead him to death?
His crimes are denouncing our god,
performing rituals against nature and sodomy
Now lead him to his death
I see on the horizon
The place where
I will meet my bitter end
The powers that rest in me
All coming too
An untimely end
I shall place a curse on ye
That when I die
You will also meet your own ends
I'll die quick and suffer not
You all will endure
They call me swine and so I act the part
I perform great sorcery
Now I'm on trail and I won't escape with my life
But my clan shall not join me as I go
Place him on the block
May God judge ye now
No final words for ye
Drop the blade
Destroy their lives now that they've taken mine.
It's not a style of lyrics I'm overly fond of, just as a personal observation. Then I wanted to ask, is English your first language? Just that there's a couple of linguistic question marks and I wanted to be sure so that I'll comment on them in the right way.
This next point is also very much a matter of personal preference, but it might be a tip you can have use of, who knows. I think the rhythm of the lyrics, especially in the verses before the chorus, is quite lacking. When writing lyrics, I think it's a good idea to try reading them out loud and see if you can do it with a natural humpty-dumpty feeling, if you see what I mean. Gives them a flow and raises the quality many times over.
That said, the music and vocal performance does light years more for me than the lyrics themselves. Pretty good actually, I'll take the time to listen to some more of your material.
Thanks for taking the time to not only read the lyrics but then listen to the song. I wrote them to flow better with the song when performed then on paper so i can understand that view point, and it's black metal so it's not supposed to be as humpty-dumpty as other forms of music. That said it was also done quite quickly so I may have overlooked grammar on a whole on the entire thing. Thank you again for commenting.
Yea, well, I didn't mean like something cheerful; just fiddle around with the number of syllables until you find something where you could, if you wanted, just read the whole thing through in a single breath without any forced pauses anywhere.
Just as a quick example, take the first line of the second verse and change it just a little to:
What kind of man betrays his clan?
Read it while tapping your foot and feel the difference between clan and empire - with clan you can in a quite natural way imagine hitting cymbal or something at the end. While empire takes you to "... betrays his em", -pire straggling along in the rear.
Like I said, take it or leave, just some things that I think lead to the best types of lyrics!
As for artistic value, I think the chorus and the second last verse shows the most possible potential. They hint at something a little beyond the simplistic description of what's going on. For example
"They call me swine and so I act the part"
gives just a little more dimension to the main character. That's what I like anyway. Incidentally, that one has some of the flowy feeling I was talking about.
In any case, thumbs up in general on the songs.
Hey thanks again for the input and I usually try to write the way you are saying, but sometimes what has to be said just can't within the confines of the certain syllables. And the part with Empire is spoken word that isn't suppose to match up perfectly with the beat. I'm really glad you enjoy what we're doing and took the time to listen to it all. We Are hoping to finish up a full length by the end of summer, and we have a full length written for our other tech death band that we might record over the summer as well.
Each to his own, as to how much time you want to spend tweaking lyrics, but you'd be surprised what you find when letting flow dictate as much as content. But anyway, like I said, it's very much a matter of personal preference.
Sounds cool, good luck with it all.
Thanks again man.
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