Spell Breaker
 

Not finished yet, though.

I feel the blight lord’s scalding grip
Around my jugular
Stifling my free will
Enslaving my existence

Born into false pretenses
Raised into true bondage
My society; a combine
My profession; machine

Gluttony cannot save me
Sustenance turns to ash
The flesh unsatisfying
Spoiled virgins never last

Wrath will damn me further
Anger lies frozen inside
Hate becomes bile and poisons me so
Every time I say, “yes, master.”

I exist in a desert
Dry, broken, everlasting
Every opportunity; a mirage
Long do I wait for release

Fires of deception and black magic
Sear and scar my retinas
The serpent sorcerer has cast this upon me
Now I wander endlessly for my…

Spell breaker!

its pretty cool. maybe its just me, but i fealt like you put more thought/time into the second half (or maybe i just liked it more...). in any case, it seems that there is more in-depth imagery in the last 2 "stanzas". with that in mind, i can only suggest a little more time on the first half.

I thought it had a great flow to it. Great for music or poetry. The content itself made me a bit thoughtful as to different perspectives of enslavement and how it's described depending on environment. Enjoyable read for sure.

Finished;

Chorus:

This is my Hell
This is His spell
Need to break this shell

Stifled, Blinded, Deafened and Silent
This is my Hell
Stifled, Blinded, Deafened, and Silent
This is His spell

Stifled, Blinded, Deafened, and Silent
Need to break this shell
Stifled, Blinded, Deafened, and Silent
Need a spell…

BREAKER!

Interlude:

I hold the chain around your neck
I control your need for breath
I demand your body and soul
Your freedom is forever null

With my thunderous crack, you raise my flag
Raise my cross, and raise my land
Then I reap the seed you have sewn
(Laughter)

(Solos)

(Bridge)

Verse 3:

No more, no more
I refuse to row your oars
No more, no more
I refuse to be your whore

I exist in a desert
Dry, broken, everlasting
Every opportunity; a mirage
Long do I wait for release

Fires of deception and black magic
Sear and scar my retinas
The serpent sorcerer has cast this upon me
Now I wander endlessly for my…

Chorus;

Stifled, Blinded, Deafened and Silent
This is my Hell
Stifled, Blinded, Deafened, and Silent
This is His spell

Stifled, Blinded, Deafened, and Silent
Need to break this shell
Stifled, Blinded, Deafened, and Silent
Need a spell…

BREAKER!

(Outro)

Little nit- it's sown not sew. When I reread the thread from the beginning the word "retinas" seemed to forced and I think it does in the second part, too. I'd just go with eyes there and it would blend well with the "my" not necessarily as a rhyme, but alliteration. I know it's your piece, but what if you put perceptions there instead. That would go right through the retinas and into the brain.

This had great rhythm to it, too. It established it right from the beginning and created a pulse all through the song. Good wording, too. You've polished the original nicely.

Did you get the music written for it?

"perceptions" and "eyes" both do sound better than "retinas." Thanks.

And yeah, I did write some music to it. I was kinda going for something black-metal-ly, along the same sound as Immortal on "Sons of Northern Darkness." It's also the first song I've written for 7-string guitar, which I don't own.... yet.

Okay now. That kicked some serious ass. If you can get that hooked up in the flesh it'll rock. It was very smooth and nothing was repetitive enough to make it sound boring. I have to admit that I was wishing for an Animusic version of this and could just about picture that in my head. If you haven't seen there videos check some out on you tube. And I also got a black metal banjo thing going in my head. (No, I don't do any drugs anymore either.)
This and the lyrics will work excellent together. I hope you can post a finished product sometime. And I'm glad I made the word change comments to you.

Good luck!