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-   -   Sick/Twisted/Disgusting/Morbid/Morose Jokes (http://metaltabs.com/forum/showthread.php?t=36211)

blitz906 2007-03-06 23:26

Sick/Twisted/Disgusting/Morbid/Morose Jokes
 
So there are obviously alot of metalheads in this forum...I'm pretty sure we all like disgusting jokes, am I right? Well I thought I'd start a thread, created specifically for sick/twisted/disgusting/morbid and morose jokes... the type that make you want to vomit and laugh at the same time. I'm talking death, pedophilia, necrophilia, rape etc etc... (You get the idea) ANYTHING goes! Just be creative, I want to see some really twisted shit!!! :D

Have fun :beer:

CompelledToLacerate 2007-03-06 23:39

What do you do after having sex?

Cover her up and hand her her stuffed Care Bear.

BassBehemoth 2007-03-07 00:21

What would you call The Flintstones if they were black?


Niggers.

CannibalXampire 2007-03-07 00:41

What do you get when you light a baby on fire and throw him down a staircase?
An erection.

Cunty Shunt 2007-03-07 01:02

Quote:
Originally Posted by CannibalXampire
What do you get when you light a baby on fire and throw him down a staircase?
An erection.

Hahaha

Infinity 2007-03-07 01:17

whats 18 inches long and makes your mother scream all night?
SIDS

whats blue and crawls?
a baby in a plastic bag

whats red and sits in the corner/what sits in front of a mirror and gets smaller
a baby shaving its head with a potato peeler

how do you get a baby out a blender
a straw

what do you get when you're killing babies?
a boner

whats yellow and sits at the bottom of a pool?
a baby with slashed floaties

whats green and sits at the bottom of a pool?
same baby 2 weeks later

whats the best thing about a baby learning to crawl?
if they can crawl they can assume the position

whats the best thing about fucking an 8 yr old in the shower?
when her hairs wet she looks six

whats the worst thing about eating bald pussy?
putting the nappy back on

whats easier to get out the back of a truck - furniture or dead babies?
dead babies because you can use a pitchfork

whats the difference between a dead baby and an apple?
you dont come on an apple before you eat it

etc. ad infinitum.

blitz906 2007-03-07 02:28

Quote:
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
What do you do after having sex?

Cover her up and hand her her stuffed Care Bear.

lmao :rofl:


A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.
She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."

blitz906 2007-03-07 02:35

A dirty old man pulls up in his car beside a little boy.
Holding a bag full of sweets, he says, "Hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy, will you come in my car?"
The little boy replies, "Hell mister, give me the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth!"



A little girl is standing by the edge of a cliff crying her eyes out.
A man comes over and says, "What's wrong little girl?"
The little girl still crying just points over to the edge of the cliff.
The man looks over the edge and sees a car with the little girl's parents mangled n the rocks below.
The man turns round, unzips his fly and says, "I guess it just ain't your lucky day!"



What's black and bobs up and down in a baby's crib?
Michael Jacksons ass.

mrs. malicious 2007-03-07 03:13

hahaha oh this is great. MORE
p.s. i can't think of any right now..... :<

IRON90 2007-03-07 03:22

Quote:
Originally Posted by blitz906
A dirty old man pulls up in his car beside a little boy.
Holding a bag full of sweets, he says, "Hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy, will you come in my car?"
The little boy replies, "Hell mister, give me the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth!"

Mohahaha!:D

fatdanny 2007-03-07 03:32

What the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil was the first man to walk on the moon , Michael Jackson fucks kids.


A man walks into a doctor's and says, "I'd like to book an HIV test for my daughter."
"OK," the doctor replies, "can I ask how old she is?"
"She's eleven"
"OK, and is she sexually active?"
"Oh no, not at all. She just lies there and takes it like her mum."


What do you do to a deaf, dumb girl after you rape her?

Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.

blitz906 2007-03-07 04:20

What did the crippled, deaf, blind boy get for Christmas?
Cancer!

What did Mike Tyson give his wife for Valentines day?
A head start!

What's the difference between my bathroom and the trunk of my car?
I don't have a dead hooker in my bathroom!

blitz906 2007-03-07 04:21

Two friends went camping in the mountains and had spent four days together,but they were beginning to tire of each other's company and getting a little testy toward each other. On the fifth morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today? I think the separation could help. I'll hike north and spend the day exploring, you hike south and spend the day exploring. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire!". The second friend readily agreed and hiked off to the south after breakfast. The first man hiked north.

That night over dinner beside the campfire, the first man related his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat in the afternoon sun to dry, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?", he asks.

The second friend replied, "Pretty good. I went south and discovered some old railroad tracks. I followed them a ways until I quite unexpectedly came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks! So, of course, I immediately cut her ropes off, gently lifted her from the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I returned to camp!".

"Wow!!!", the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?".

"Nah!", says the second friend dejectedly over his meal, "I couldn't find her head!"

problematic 2007-03-07 06:33

The old joke thread had a tonne of supreme quality morbid jokes.

Here's some more crappy jokes:

Q: How long does it take to kill a baby in a microwave?
A: How the fuck should I know? I was too busy masturbating.



Q: How do you get 1000 babies in a phone box?
A: Use a liquidiser.

Q: How do you get them out?
A: Nachos.

blitz906 2007-03-07 07:29

Quote:
Originally Posted by problematic
Q: How do you get 1000 babies in a phone box?
A: Use a liquidiser.

Q: How do you get them out?
A: Nachos.


Sorry man, but that's shit lol...the original was supposed to be :

How do you get 100 Mexicans into a car? With a blender.
How do you get them out? Doritos!

A similar joke...

How do you get 100 Jews into a car? Throw a quarter in.
How do you get them out? Tell them it's a Volkswagen :D

IRON90 2007-03-07 09:17

Hey here's some old shit that I heard.
Q: How can you tell the difference between a firefighter and a pyromaniac?
A: When there's a big fire the firefighter isn't masturbating.

blizzard_beast 2007-03-07 09:22

Quote:
Originally Posted by fatdanny
What do you do to a deaf, dumb girl after you rape her?

Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.


:rofl:

drawn&quartered 2007-03-07 13:29

How do you make a dead baby float?


Take your foot of its head.





Whats the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babys?


I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

JAMF 2007-03-07 13:48

Dead baby jokes are old.

Slabbefusk 2007-03-07 14:29

Whats the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage!

Why did the baby cross the road?
Because it was chained to a bumper...

How do you make a kid cry even more after molesting it?
You wipe your bloody dick with the kids favourite stuff animal.

Whats the best thing about fucking 21-year olds?
THERES TWENTY OF THEM!

Whats red, covered in pus and screaming?
A skinless baby in a bag of salt.

- Hey Jack, could you coach the cheerleading squad this thursday?
- Is there any chance I'd get laid?
- Jack?! Theyr'e TWELVE years old!
- So is that a yes or..?

This guy is getting down on his girl who has a period. Someone knocks on the door, and the guy who is all bloody in the face goes to open it:
- Holy shit what have you done to your face!?
- I ran into a fucking door...
- Well must've been the toilet-door because you have shit on your chin...

Two guys are sitting in a pool when some semen reaches the surface:
- Are you jacking off!?
- NO! I farted...

What do you do with a deaf-mute girl who you just raped?
You break her fingers so she can't tell.

A homo who has just lost his significant other is at the hospital:
- Could I like, make minced meat sauce of of him?
- No, why would you do that?
- I just want to feel him come out of my ass for the last time...


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