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dimespider 2006-02-04 20:06

So I play guitar, but once in awhile I'll get bored and thoughts will come to my head so I'll write some "poetry" not that great, but it's a good way to get some thoughts outta my head, well neways I found this. I wrote it some time ago, but was thinking about turning it into a song. It's alot of rhyming...poetry like, I need to break it up and make a chorus and what not, any ideas?

Fear I Am

Death to all who may come near
Embrace loved ones tight, the ones you hold dear
For once it starts it will not end
No ones safe not even your friends
I work for the killer of Abel, Caine is his name
Youíre never safe, night nor day
For Iím always out, a lurker I am
I am neither a beast nor am I man
I fly through the night skies
Looking for virgin thoughts, and fear in your eyes
Once in my grasp you cannot escape
Your life flashes before you, this is your fate
Donít be afraid the ends almost near
I can feel your body as I grip and tear
Could this be a dream, is it in your head
Fear I am, and Iíll be with you till lifeís end

Soulinsane 2006-02-04 21:12

How about:

Fear I Am
Death is my kind
Remember loved ones now
Those you hold dear
All know me before the end
I am the moment
Abel knew my name
Caine bought me then
As then
I am now
I take your hand
This is nearly done
I am no beast
I am only man's depair
I live in dreams, childhood, and war
I've lurked in primortal thoughts that protect
This time is different
I look through all eyes
You have seen me before
You've never forgot
All remember
This is your fate
Fear is my name
I am painless
I take you to death's hand
The ends almost near
I feel you let me go
Could this be a dream
But our dreams together are over
You have passed
Fear I am,
I'm till lifeís end

Sorry if I bastardized it. I've been drinking and I thought I might help.

dimespider 2006-02-04 21:23

Haha no man that's cool, thanks a lot. I liked it.

L,B'XXX 2006-02-05 08:30

Not a bad rewrite, Souli'.

Hello fellow Buckeye!! I thought it was okay until you got to the line "Looking for virgin thoughts, and fear in your eyes." Using the word virgin in things is tricky as far as I'm concerned. It can sound lame as heck. As far as "virgin thoughts" to me that means first thoughts and doesn't really make a whole lot of sense why the demon would care about those. Maybe it's just my interpretation, but I think it would be better if the "virgin" was dropped there. (But don't drop them too hard. ;)) Maybe changing the word "Looking" in that same line to "Searching" would suit the thoughts and eyes better, too.

It took a couple reads to get a meter completely through it, but it's there. I don't think it's too bad. The balance of thoughts is good and there's some action going on. breaking the piece into 4 line stanzas might make it more comfortable to read. I don't know if I'd even add a chorus to it. There's a lot of songs that don't have them. You could really play up the music between the verses with some good solos.

Just some ideas.

dimespider 2006-02-05 13:04

Wow, thanks a lot man I really appreciate it.

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